http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 Project Me Sat, 06 Sep 2008 05:48:58 +0100 a-n rss generator a-n The Artists Information Company and contributors edit@a-n.co.uk technical@a-n.co.uk http://sites.a-n.co.uk/img/logo.gif http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 After three years of being very involved in establishing and running CPArtists I stepped down as Chair at last week's AGM. I've really enjoyed my time as Chair/Co-ordinator and now I want to focus on developing my own projects with some of the artists I've met through the group. I also want to spend more time developing my own practice. Chronologically I should be mid-career but I'm nowhere near it! I've kept so many seperate projects running for so long that I felt a bit of consolidation was required, and this is how Project Me came about. A bit of re-branding ... ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 I've been invited to talk about my work in late March and I'm surprised at how anxious I am about it already. It's at a friendly gallery and the audience will be mainly artists - and a few friends I'm asking too. After years of describing my practice to school children it's exciting and a bit daunting to think about showing the work to fellow artists. The invitation came from an artist I studied with over 10 years ago who now works at the gallery- we bumped into each other a Frieze last year and now I'm going to be in an off-site project she's curating later this summer. First though I've got this talk to do. . . ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 I took time off work last week and spent it in the studio - I'm not sure if I've ever had three consecutive days there before, which is quite an admission.  Although I think of myself an artist I realise that I spend the majority of my week away from my practice - being at work (either of my part-time jobs) thinking about it isn't the same as being there doing it. I don't often see any of the other artists (there are eight of us working on the top floor of the old furniture depository), it made such a good change to be there with some of them on Friday.It was really great to get such positive feedback about what I'm doing and the opportunities I've got coming up - thank you Jodi and Derek you've made me realise the importance of all the incidential stuff that happens when you're around other artists. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 After a couple weeks back at my two part-time jobs I realized that the time has come to give one up. It feels great to know that soon I'll have at least two days a week in the studio. The difficultly with only having one studio day a week is that if I can't make that day it means I'm not there for almost two weeks.   It puts me off going into town to get materials or see a gallery - a kind of catch 22 situation! I had to re-schedule my talk. In a way it was good for me to have to ask to re-arrange things, I'm not always good at asking for what I need.  Sarah, at the gallery, was great and easily sorted things out without making me feel awkward.Last night I sent out an email to some of the other Crystal Palace Artists' to see if they were interested in being in a specifically contemporary group show.   The show will be a kind of 'show within a show' taking place as part of the Signals 5 (Crystal Palace Artists' Annual Open show). This evening I've already had very positive responses. It's the kind of thing I couldn't do when I chaired the group and it's great to have the opportunity do it now. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 Everything has changed!It's four weeks since I worked my last shift in the cafe and already it's had a huge impact on my work ... not only that but i feel like an artist again - rather than someone who, on a good week, manages to get to studio for a few hours. The strange thing is I've probably not been to the studio much more than before - but now I have time for all the other essential stuff, seeing shows, meeting artists, developing projects as well as being more relaxed about making work ....What I've really enjoyed is having time with other artists and time for reflection. The studio feels more playful - last week I caught myself sitting back and smiling at something I'd made with bright ribbons, materials I'd have been far too stressed to allow myself a couple of months ago!I don't always know what I'm doing now and that's ok, actually it's good! ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 I owe David Barrett a great deal.  Since we met on Stuart Brisley's Fine Art Media MA at the Slade in 1995 David has continued to take a proactive interest in me and my practice -even when I was doubtful!Now, as the result of his nomination, I'm going to Venice with Pilot 3 (www.pilotlondon.org)It will be my first time at the Biennale, and despite having gone through old copies of Frieze and Art Monthly I don't think anything will prepare me for the sheer scale of the opening weekend.David maintains his practice alongside lecturing and criticism.  He's also one half of Royal Jelly Factory - Lucy Head is the other.  Together they publish artist's monographs and websites.  Their enthusiasm and commitment is truely inspiring and I am very fortunate to know them.Project Me is somehow enabling me to recognise, value and actually enjoy relationships that previously I just 'didn't get'.  Re-engaging with my practice, spending time in the studio and with artists is making me better!  And being better - a better artist, a better friend, a better me - can only be a good thing.  The more I have the more I have to offer .... ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 I've been trying to find a venue for a sculpture show in Crystal Palace. It's proving to be very frustrating.... The show is scheduled to be part of Signals 5 - CP Artists annual arts event - and I really need to have a venue confirmed in the next couple of weeks in time for the publicity.I've been trying to identify the problem(s), so far I've come up with: The area is under going singificant regeneration and anyone with a vacant commercial property is happy to wait for a serious offer - the arrival of Cafe Nero hasn't helped.The area is predominantly residential so there are very few warehouse type spaces.Any space large enough to hold a yoga class,  band rehearsal or drama group is hired out by the hour. There is no established art gallery or institution to collaborate with. I knew this wasn't going to be easy but I'm surprised at how many absolutely dead ends I'm coming up against. If I can't get some kind of positive response by mid June I'll have to admit defeat for this year and start planning something grander (and more fundable) for 2008! ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 Linda Duffy phoned last week, she and Emma Healy are curatiing Hunters and Collectors  at the new gallery in the Willesden Green Library Centre, along with the show we're planning at least one event involving artists and members of the public.I really enjoy being able to offer this kind of thing, especially when exhibiting in a multi-use space.  Discussing my work with new audiences has always been invaluable in helping me understand how it functions outside of the studio - and outside of my own ideas.  I've had some very strong, and very diverse, reactions to pieces in previous shows.  It's always interesting for me to have to think about how much of my motivation, inspiration and process to discuss - can revealing too much somehow reduce the work or does it make it both more accessible and more interesting.  I hope it's the latter!We're all visiting the gallery next week, it'll be good to meet the other artists and see the space.  I'm very intrigued - although the space is attached to the library it's run by an artists group (Brent Artists Resource), it sounds like a good partnership - the kind of thing we need in Crystal Palace. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 post Venice'I'm beginning to wonder if I'm (slowly) becoming the (fine) artists I am meant to be' 'real objects make me happy''don't think work, feel it' Perhaps it was the heat, perhaps it was the strange beauty of Venice, perhaps it was the sheer quantity of artwork but something happened to me and I allowed myself to be guided by what felt right.  That's the only way I can describe it.As a  result I found myself completely absorbed by pavillions and exhbits that I might previoulsy have hurried through in search of 'projects'.  Pages of dense postmodern analysis given on arrival at shows were politely handed back and if I couldn't see what I was looking at then it wasn't the show for me.  It was a kind of act of faith.  And I guess I had a kind of epiphany.In the Gardini I was completely entranced with paintings that were - to me at least - about paint, in particular Herbert Brandl (Austria), Troels Worsel (Denmark) and Gehard Richter (Germany).  I'd been looking forward to seeing Felix Gonzalez-Torres in the Amercian Pavilion, and though I think his work is brilliant, it felt like the wrong time and place for this show.Kris Martin's My Private show (in a casino over St Marco and for three days only) and Jan Fabre both demonstrated the power of articulate, elegant and technically skillful sculpture to function aesthetically, culturally and politically. Being in Venice for the opening weekend of the Biennale was an amazing experience - I learnt a hell of a lot about myself and who I am as an artist.I like objects.  I like materials.  I make sculpture.Back to the studio ..... ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 there's so much going on that's not directly connected to my artwork but that impacts on it.Just over three years ago my partner was diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease. For last 18 months I've spent at least five nights a week sleeping on the sofa-bed at his flat. He's coped amazingly well with it, it's an awful illness that has left him completely paralysed and now unable to speak.It feels strange to 'reveal' this - especially here.I have an (almost) ambivalance about it - it's both essential and irrelevant at the same time. What does it mean for me, as an artist, to have a partner with demanding terminal illness? I don't want special treatment (or sympathy) and at the same time I want people to know why I'm not at as many openings as I should be, or sometimes don't get to the studio for a couple of weeks.And then again - being with him undeniably affects me and therefore affects what I make.I leave the studio and get the bus to John's. The TV is showing an early evening game show or soap. He's in his reclining chair, the windows are closed and the volume is up. I turn the sound down and tell him about my day - noticing that his eye's keep flicking over to the silent picture. I turn the sound up and go to the kitchen to make some dinner. John needs a soft diet now, sometimes I long for something with some bite but can't be bothered to make two separate meals. Because I have to spoon-feed him we usually share one plate and cutlery, it's easier than all the changing around. After dinner it's more TV. The night care staff tidy away the plates and do the washing up. The flat is set up for John and there really isn't any space for my stuff so I sit with John in front of the TV. At about 11.00 I help the carer get John into his wheelchair, he takes his medicine and they go off to the bathroom. While John has his teeth cleaned and face washed I make up the sofa bed. I assist the carer undressing John and lifting him into bed. After I've been to the bathroom I go back to the bedroom put John's alarm on his wrist and kiss him goodnight. In the morning I have a shower and make breakfast while two carers get John out of bed, make him tea and take him to the bathroom. I spend some time with John in the bathroom, him sitting on his shower-chair, me holding the cup of tea to his lips (he dribbles more than he did a week ago). When he's ready for his shower I leave him with his carers and go to the studio .... ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 I've been spending a lot of time on the studio making a piece for a show later this year.  It's an English Pieces patchwork made from two second hand shirts.  Unlike previous patchworks this one is going to be a cylinder - that means I've had to work out how many 'blocks' I need to maintain the pattern while allowing it to  join around itself 'seemlessly'.There's something quite satisfying about the pages of isometric grid paper and tracing paper that are mounting up.I want the the top and bottom of the cylinder to be flat.  This has led me to make a shape I haven't thought about since 'O' level maths - the trapizium.  Laying out combinations of hexagons and trapiziums gives me an inexplicable sense of pleasure.  What is it about this jigsaw-like activity that makes me smile so much?The Enquire Artists' seminar rekindled my interest in the possibilities for artists in education.  I'd gone very sceptical, after getting really burnt out and tired of projects that had less and less relation to my own practice.  I noted that the most interesting work was being done outside of London.  Projects in both Liverpool and Manchester seemed so much more collaborative, while one in Brighton was specifically concentrating on continuing professional development for artists.  It was really refreshing to hear about projects where the artists were 'partners' throughout the project process (as opposed to the situation where I used to find myself agreeing to themes, materials and timetables arranged by schools and galleries without any real discussion).I have to thank Barbara at Enquire for giving artists the rare chance to get together and talk about the stuff we need to talk about.  And thanks too to all the artists who I met and who assured me I wasn't alone in my concerns about the demands put on freelance artists working in schools. Now if we could only get some kind of association or 'trade union' going ..... ! ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 cover one studio wall with plasteboardfinish 3 pieces of workget some new slidesI'm sitting here thinking through the things I need to do and wondering why I don't just do them.  Perhaps it's the fear of living my life by a global sports conglomerate's strap line.  Perhaps it's lack of confidence.Neither of these excuses have any real currency.  Perhaps after all this time I'm actually afraid of getting what I want!  I'm commitment-phobic!  Keeping things at arms length means that they remain fantasties, or even 'fantastic', and making them real might spoil that.What is success?What am I doing to achieve it?What am I waiting for? ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 I spent yesterday hanging two pieces of work for Hunters & Collectors at The Gallery at Willesden Green. It's been a long time since I put work into a gallery - my last show was in a garden shed. Five artists were there, Linda and Emma brought a picnic along, and there was a good relaxed atmosphere. The show looks really good. It's good to see my work in a new context. I'd had the handkercheif piece up at home and I'm surprised at how much more professional it looks now that it's in a gallery (my home white walls don't make a white cube). The show opens on Thursday and I'm getting a bit nervous about it. Over the last few years I haven't made it to many openings myself and now I'm worried that the people I've invited won't come to mine! It's so easy to lose contact with people I've met through other shows or at other studios. On the other hand - there's all those new people to meet ....Hunters & Collectors can also be seen at; www.magpiecurators.org.uk ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 I've just uploaded the digital pictures I took of my work in the show and they are really bad! Why can't I take good pictures anymore? I used to do okay, so what's happened? Perhaps it's the camera, perhaps I spent more time looking through the view finder of my old SLR than I do now with a small digital.I think I'm going to take some old fashioned slides and see if I like those more. I understand how an SLR and film work - I haven't a clue about digital stuff - does it make a differnece if I understand it or not?The most interesting picture I've got from Sunday was some grafitti on a locked door in the car park. The names in a heart have been scrubbed out, below the heart it says 'GAY BOIZ'. I noticed it when I was about to drive home to John. I got back out of the car and photographed it. Were the 'gay boiz' names erased fom the heart? Did some 'gay boiz' erase other names and claim the heart for themselves? Is 'gay boiz' a declaration or an insult?... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 BED - the live work I'm making for the Day of Intimacy (Signals 5's day of live and performance art) - will be my first live piece in about five years.The task I've set myself is to chalk out an area the same size (and compass orientation) as my own bed. I'm starting at noon and really don't know how long it will take - I'm imaging that I'll finish the drawing in time to see some of the evening performances.My intention was always to leave the drawing to weather. I imagine it being worn away by people walking over it as well as by rain, wind, sun. In the last few days I've become interested in how the piece lasts longer than the 'one day' of it's making. The imagined erasure of the drawing has acquired weight.Beds are already such loaded objects - I can't help but think of their cultural associations with birth, death and marriage. Here I am planning to represent what is usually a private place very publicly.BED starts 12.00 noon, Saturday 1 September. Antenna Studios, Haynes Lane, London SE19 www.myspace.com/signalsinlondon... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 The Hunters & Collectors 'Meet the Artists' event last night was really good. After a welcome and introduction by Linda Duffy (Co-curator) each of us spoke about our work in response to Linda's question about source materials and process.The discuss was very informal and relaxed with the audience and other artists making contributions and comments as we talked about the work. It was great to have this opportunity. I found it fascinating to hear about other artist's intentions and motivations. The areas of overlap and intersection between very different approaches was very interesting, perhaps it was a reflection of skillful curating that quite divergent artists were able to spark off each other. The discussion felt really vibrant and vital, as well as accessible and enjoyable! I'm going to suggest this kind of event for future group shows I'm in. How lucky am I? - to spend an evening talking about my work with other artists and curators, having a glass of wine, and calling it work!... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 I've been thinking a lot about BED, the live work I'm making for the Day of Intimacy event. And the more I think about it the more I think I want to write an accompanying essay or hand book!What's this desire to write about then? I can't guarantee that it's not an attempt to pre-empt criticism that the piece is juvenille. I can't guarantee that it's not an attempt to demonstrate how much I think about what appears to be simple work.But outside of academia (which I am) does this kind of writing have a place? Who, and where, are my imagined readers?I'm getting a bit anxous about how long the task I've set myself will take. Previous task vased durational work has taken considerably longer that I imagined it would. There's something quite poetic about finishing it late in the evening - at bedtime.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 The live/durational part of Bed was completed at 4.55pm on Saturday (started at 12.00 noon). The day was really good and I'm really pleased with way the piece turned out. The completed drawing surprised me with it's beauty.The process was both formal, in that I had a pre-determined task to complete, and informal, in so much as I chatted with my 'audience'. Conversations ranged from the sizes of people's bed and sleeping habits to the expectations one brings to looking at art. A woman stall-holder at the nearby market came three times to see the piece. On the second and third times she brought different friends - she initiated a heated discussion about what is and what isn't art. I hadn't given much thought to how the finished drawing would look. It's beauty caught me unaware and I found myself smiling and feeling very proud if it. There were a few moments when the drawing had the same quality as the sky above it. It was almost as if it stopped representing something real and took on a realtionship with light and space.The piece will now be left to weather. I will go back and take periodic photographs of its erasure.This was my first live work in about six years - I want to do more ....... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 After coming a "very close second" (again) I've decided to take notice of what's happening and STOP applying for jobs! I'm obviously supposed to be an artist and not an employee - why has it taken me so long to work that out? So that's few hours a week of trawling in the internet saved. I'm really grateful to Caroline Smith for programming me into her Day of Intimacy (CP Artists, Signals 5). It's re-introduced me to writers and performers. It feels like it might be the right time for me to re-engage with live art.A crisis in John's condition was narrowly avoided at the end of last week. He's been losing weight rather rapidly but became dehydrated too. He was rushed in hospital and had a naso-gastric tube fitted. This means that he can get sufficent fluids and nourishment again.It is any wonder that I'm getting more interested in ideas of beauty, getting more fascinated with materials, getting more attracted to connoisseurship . I need to believe there are things that aren't tainted, aren't spoiled, aren't shadowed by misfortune.After years of making art that tries so hard to be socially and culturally relevant I feel a shift...... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 I've had a stressful couple of weeks - getting used to the new routines with John's NG tube. There have been numerous meeting with various specialists. Although it saved him from immediate danger I was left in no doubt that his condition was serious. I'm not sure that I wasn't being 'told off' for not noticing the decline in his ability to eat and drink. Things have settled down but learning and remembering new routines is tiring. As all this is going on I'm becoming more and more interested in beauty, and less and less interested in issues. I have enough issues without inviting them into the studio.I'm so grateful that I have the studio, and that it's been quite busy there - lots of catching up with the other artists. It's good job that I see their achievements as inspirational! I'm still working on a piece for the clothing-based group show. The show has been postponed (for a second time), it looks like it's happening in February. Last week the quilted patchwork finally began to show it's sculptural form. Until then I'd been working on the flat, now it's a cylinder - it's taken months to get to this stage. I have to admit that seeing the form lying on the table it looked more like a bolster from a old lady's bed than a boxer's punch-bag! Hopefully it'll manage to refer to both when it's finished.The workmen developing the building at the front of the studios left the door to their temporary store open, everytime I see the space I can't help but fantasise about it being my studio. It would make a great sculpture studio - I must start working out how to make it a reality...... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 Why do I 'do Frieze*'?*I use Frieze as a bit of a catch all term for the fairs, events and shows in mid October LondonIt makes me feel internationalI like to see what sells to who for what - it's the only time in the year when I read the Art Newspaperthe world comes to Londonit's a great time to catch up with friendsseeing the Collector on mass I enjoy spotting 'trends'; drawing, folk imagery, portraitureit's a chance to dress upFrieze is becoming like January 1st or April 5 - one of those dates that marks a new year. A time to reflect on last years achievements, a time to make plans and resolutions.This year I started off going around some of the fairs with friends. It made me realise how slow my natural pace is and how I like to have time with a piece and to have some context for it. I've come away with catalogues full of folded page corners - now the real work begins; following up artists and galleries. And of course trying to figure out where I fit in all of it.Last year I said that I wasn't going to go to Frieze itself, I said I'd concentrate on the young gallery events. This year I'm thinking that as the young gallery fairs try to be more and more like Frieze I'll skip them next year and just enjoy the spectacle of the real high end ...... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 I've been thinking about what I wrote yesterday - I'm not happy with it and was going to edit that entry but I'm going to leave it and see if I can't unpick a bit of my uncomfortableness. I also started going through my catalogues and notice that the Frieze catalogue has the most notes.I was really disappointed with Zoo this year. Perhaps being there the first day wasn't ideal, perhaps being there the year of Northern Rock wasn't ideal, I don't know but I left feeling rather deflated. I can only think of one or two stands that interested me.I accept that being an artist rather than a buyer I'm not the target fair audience however in the past I've left Zoo feeling excited about being an artist (even one without a gallery). This year was different.What does it mean when I don't see evidence of my kind of practice? What does it mean to be out of step with what young galleries are showing?I know that fairs are an essential part of a galleries year and must surely generate (directly and indirectly) a great deal of the income that enables them to put on more experimental shows. Perhaps I'm looking in the wrong places, perhaps I should make more effort to get to gallery shows and shouldn't expect the fairs to showcase new and exciting work...... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 Jodi (my studio-mate) and I getting competitive! In a healthy way, a health that in no small way comes from our practices being so different. I'll explain; we're getting competitive about the amount we're each doing to develop our own practice. What's great is that we're not in competition with each other as it's unlikely that we're interested in the same opportunities. Recently we did apply for the same residency and I'm pretty confident that the selector's decision wouldn't have been between the two of us (maybe I'm wrong). As it is neither of us has heard back so we're both assuming we were unsuccessful this year.A few of us from Crystal Palace Artists got together last week to start some peer mentoring. Linda Duffy got us together after having met with each of us and noticing similarities in intention if not medium. I'm hoping that it will be a space for us to discuss work and ideas. When I down-loaded pictures from Frieze I found the last few I'd taken of Bed, live work. It was strange to find them like that. They were taken at a bad time (personally and professionally!) and perhaps I was deliberately leaving them for a while. The piece was supposed to disappear 'naturally' over a period of time - I'd imagined it being worn away by passing feet, or the rain. As it was an over zealous and under informed member of staff started cleaning it away. The pictures I have are of what remained after their effort to remove it. I took the decision to finish what they started. (Note to self: I must make sure everyone knows what's going on when I deal with multi-staffed arts organisations.)... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 It was my neice's 1st birthday this weekend. There have been a couple of occasions in the past year - and perhaps even a few months before that - when I've found myself thinking that now I'm an uncle I'd better get on with being an artist.The first time this thought came to me I was on my way home one evening. Having never wanted children myself I'd never really thought about how a child would describe what I do. All of a sudden and for no obvious reason I imagine Esme being at school and talking about her family; mum's a writer and editor, dad writes computer programmes, my uncle says he's an artist but he works in a shop a lot of the time ....And there it was. I say I'm an artist but is that how she'll see me? And why does it matter? Does it matter? I don't really like to admit it but it does matter. It matters more than the rest of my family, my friends even other artists. I want to be successful for her, I want her to be proud of her uncle.So I reckon I've got about another five or six years ... The first one hasn't gone too badly - I've done more in the past twelve months than I have in the last couple of years.As a single artist (that's how I see myself even when I've got a partner) I got good at living within my means. So long as I was making art I was content - I never really got that bothered about exhibitions (though perhaps that was something I said to make the frequent rejections less painful). That's changed. Not only do I want shows, I want good ones! I want to be taken seriously as an artist so I better take myself seriously.Deep down I know that this isn't really about Esme - but she's a great totem. Does it really matter if I use her as a bit of a 'signifier'? As I wrote that I realise that is exactly what is she is - a signifier of a future generation! My ambition now seems considerably more arrogant - I want to be signficant to future generations! I think that this might be a good time to end this post ....... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 I've applied for funding to document recent work. The digital images I have aren't very good and as my practice has become more studio based the artworks seem to be harder for me to photograph well.The funding would be allow me to hire a professional photographer and a studio. I'm inclined to have 35mm slides and medium format transparencies which can be scanned rather than asking for digital images from the start. I understand film and SLR cameras, technology leaves me a bit cold (perhaps that's why it doesn't work for me - see, there I go investing it with some kind of spirit that it so obvioulsy doesn't possess).I like being able to hold a slide in my hand, I like writing the label and putting it in my slide index draw.Whether I get the funding or not I need to spend some time and energy getting good quality pictures of my work. I phoned a couple of photographers listed in the back of a-n and hope that I'll be able to use one of them.My work isn't easy to photograph and perhaps I'm too attached to it to see what needs to be focussed on. The main thing is to be in a studio with good lighting and good walls - two things missing from mine.Last week the landlord came around 'just to see how we're doing'. The conversion of old depository building in front of our block is almost complete - live/work studios will be nearly £300k. The visible bits of our block have had a lick of paint and it all looks very smart - victorian coachlights around the new brick parquet courtyard. We used to all be 1a Chestnut Road, now we're being re-named Harry Day Mews and we'll all get street numbers. I wonder how much longer we have at the studio ....... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 I'm finding the idea of working with an established gallery more and more appealing. Not least because of the number or emails, meetings, conversations, and false starts seemingly inherent with artist led/alternative venue shows.The fantasy goes like this - I agree the dates of a show in the coming 12-18 months. I make the work. I send a picture or two and my mailing list for the invitation. I deliver and perhaps even install the work. I arrive in the late afternoon. I enjoy the opening night. Three weeks later the show closes. I return and collect my work.Right now I just need things to be simple. And they're not. Perhaps I'm not as comitted to 'process' as I thought I was. Maybe I just don't have the energy for collaboration at the moment.I'm really pleased to be getting re-acquainted with Marcia Farquhar. Saw her 12 Shooters last week. It was a brilliant way to catch-up with 10 years worth of performances. Mind you I found it a bit intimidating to be invited to a retrospective of someone I consider a peer...... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 I'm questioning what my practice is and what I want it to be. I think I might be putting the cart before the horse.The studio has become a refuge from all the anxiety about John. Since spending more (regular) time there I've really enjoy the 'making' and want to spend time developing that. I want to immerse myself in making without thinking about relevance, theme, appropriateness...At the moment I'm embroidering more handkerchiefs. This time with gold thread. I'm playing with the diameter of the circle I'm sewing - the current one is 6.5 inches. Does it matter where this measurement comes from?Today I'm using my sculpure skills to fix a crack in the bottom of my bath - needs must! I'm tempted to cover the whole thing in resin and fibre-glass. Must remember that it's not an artwork - well, not yet ...... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 Finished the 6.5 inch embroidery and it's looks wrong, a bit pathetic, a bit weak - size does matter! It looks lost on the 14 inch square handkerchief. The trouble is that I want every aspect of my artwork to be significant. Some significant number just aren't aesthetically 'right' though. Do I give up on the entire piece or allow myself an aesthetic judgement rather than a logical one? Being able to justify all the components of a piece is important to me, but maybe it's not always important for the artwork itself.I've decided that I'll include some considerably older pieces when I get my photographed (a new year project). Having poor or no photographs of pieces that I like or that are significant developments is bad for my confidence, and has made talking about my practice a little awkward. Old artwork to photograph:sewn up suitCamp - tent structureExchange - large patchworsilk planeAlso need to scan some older slides/prints.Standing Room Guide I want to be able to offer at least one good image for each of the pieces I've shown in the last 10 years. How I can I expect other people to take me seriously if I don't take myself seriously ...... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 In 1990 (or possibly 1989) we had a ‘professional development’ session at college. We had to imagine our perfect day.  I was reminded of my perfect day this afternoon as I walked along Hastings’ seafront. I remember that my perfect day took place in a (unnamed) town on the coast. After breakfast over looking the sea, I stroll along the promenade on the way to my to a day at the studio. I stop at a health food shop to get something for lunch and at the florist for flowers.I grew up a few miles inland from Southend on Sea. I was an unathletic overweight child with a fantasy that if I lived near the seafront I’d run along it every day.Could I live here?Would it be my perfect day?I really like out of season seaside towns. Perhaps it was the time I spent on the seafront during my Foundation Course at Southend Tech. Perhaps I have a tendency towards the melancholy.I feel comfortable here.I’m staying in my bosses place – a major major perk of my part-time work in the design/gift shop. Although there’s a smart living room upstairs I’m sitting the basement kitchen. It reminds me of some of the student accommodation friends and I had in Totnes. The kitchen is dug into a steep hillside and it is therefore quite damp and musky – I wonder if it’s this that most evokes the cheap holiday-lets we rented before the tourists arrived in the south Hams.I have to remember that the life I’m leading in London is far from normal. John has needed care of nearly four years now - since his broken ankle in January 2004. By the time the plaster came off he was limping, stumbling and falling as the result of the MND. Everyone says I’m wonderful for staying with him, especially as we only got together the year before. I’m not sure I’m so wonderful, I feel as though I never had a choice but perhaps that’s just melancholy …. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 De la Warr Pavilion, Bexhill on SeaFound a Kjell Torriset catalogue in the shop – I hadn’t seen his work before – really like the installations.Coffee and cake on the terrace – lots of ideas for new work.I need a good concentrated period of making. There are so many demands on my time (and distractions) at the moment. I often think of a TV programme that Tracey Emin made a few years ago. She spoke with Maggie Hamlin about art and motherhood – Hamlin said that she made a decision not to have children because choosing between the child was screaming in one room and a canvas was screaming in another was a decision she never wanted to have to make.Didn't get the cornwall residency - this time! Continuing to look for residencies that are focussed on artist's practice and developement.Looking forward the the AIR Open dialogues event next week. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 I’ve called people to withdraw from projects only to regret it minutes later.I’ve put down one piece of work to pick up another, then another and another.I’ve spent hours staring at gallery listings.I’ve started collecting words, images and ideas for a performance.I’ve purposefully set off to meetings early and killed time wandered the streets.I’ve emailed people, apologised and asked to be included in their projects again.I’ve had really strong re-actions to art-works.I’ve made new embroideries.My mind as all over the place – in the space of one morning I can range from manic speedy ideas for new projects to bouts of self-doubt and fear, from not being able to concentrate at all to periods of amazing clarity and focus.I think John might be really poorly.  Or perhaps I saw him with fresh eyes after those few days away.  He seems so much smaller, so much weaker, much more vulnerable.This morning I cleared out another pile of invites and press releases for openings and exhibitions I didn’t get to.I come to the studio – it feels like the right place to be.I make fresh coffee.I talk and laugh with Jodi.I sew.We have tea – it feel like the right place to be.</... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 John died this morning.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 There is a wonderful sense of calm about things.It feels as though everythng has happened the way that it should have.I think I understand what 'at peace' means.John died the way he wanted - quickly, with me and at home. We'd had a lovely lazy sunday together. After John had been showered and dressed by his carers we had breakfast listening to the Arches omnibus. John usually then dozes through Desert Island Discs but this week he stayed awake. We were still in the kitchen while we laughed at I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue (and wondered how Humph gets those monologues out!).In the afternoon we watched a dvd that Shaun and John had started on Saturday (Shaun is John's ex and has been a great friend through out his illness). John was very patient with me and spelt out some plot lines that were apparent with his second viewing! The evening was of course the Strictly dance off (John followed the show avidly, and tolerated my snide swipes at it), followed by dinner and Cranford - which be both love.John went to bed and had a good night.At about seven on Monday morning Dawn (John's night carer) knocked on the living room door and said that John needed me.John was sitting up in bed and I could see that he was taking very rapid short breathes - like he was on Saturday morning after his shower. We turned him on his side and called for assistance. I've lost track of time but an ambulance came very quickly. It arrived at about the same time as Evelina. Evelina is John's principle day carer - she was half an hour early for her shift but had woken early and felt 'unsettled' at home so set off earlier than usual.The paramedics were great and after a few checks and tests gave me a minute to get dressed and grab what I needed to accompany John to hospital.As we lifted John on to the stretcher he gave a loud sigh and closed his eyes.One of the A&E team was a doctor who knows John through a mutal friend. John did not want to be resuscitated and the team did what they could while respecting John's wishes.I sat with him as he took his last breaths.I spent some time with him in a quiet side room. I cried, held his hand and kissed him goodbye.Evelina and I walked back to John's place and by 9.30 were sitting in the kitchen.It all so happened so quickly and I'm so grateful for that. In my mind John 'went' while he was at home, I don't think he knew anything about the ambulance or hospital.The last few days have been a mix of tears, relief, sadness, good memories and laughter. I listened to some of John's favoutire cds and found my self crying and dancing around his kitchen.He was an amazing man and I will miss him hugely. There is a wonderful sense of calm about things...I love you Mr BraddonmentJohn Anthony Braddon 24 March 1965 - 10 December 2007. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 Last night I went to the studio to drop off a kettle, radio/cd player and some other bits from John's flat.  I've made two such trips there since John died.Today I hand back the keys to John's flat and his car.  Tomorrow I'll spend the day at the studio.  I have so much half finished work - and so much of it now seems so associated with the period of John's illness.  I wonder what it will feel like to pick up the pieces ....  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 Had a good day at the studio - sorted out a few things, threw out some useless bits I'd been hanging on to for years (when did I think a bag of plaster splattered dried out clay was ever going to be useful?).I want to concentrate on installations and objects this year.  The studio isn't really very suitable for the installations I have in mind - they're very 'clean' and the studio isn't!  Kim and I discussed this and the subject of drawing kept coming up.  In recent years I've kept notebooks rather than sketch books, and the studio has a desk but no wall surface I could draw against.  It feels as though the drawings should be BIG - the kind that demand big movements, the kind I'll stand back from, the kind that leave me smudged with charcoal, chalk and pastel.My installation at Leroy Street needs re-thinking.  I wanted to install spy-holes in the floor boards and ceiling.  (Those spy-holes that people put in their doors to see what's the other side.)  However the floor and ceiling is reinforced concrete - with a thickness of about 25cm.  I thought I'd have to carve away a bit of plaster to get to floor boards from underneath, possibly remove some insulation - but major demolition wasn't in my mind.I really feel for Sarah - who's been trying to secure a vacant shop for an off-site project.  Perhaps it's just a London thing but it's virtually impossible to use these 'alternative' spaces.  Even if you find a supportive landlord the issues of public liability and council licences can halt a project.  I had the same problems last year when I tried to use vacant commercial properties in Crystal Palace.  While everyone from the artists through to local council wants to see creative use of empty high street units the shere amount of discussion, administration and financial support required for a three week show make it an unappealing venture for the aspiring artist/curator.  Sarah is now looking at putting the show in a gallery .... ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 I'm dog sitting for a friend and thought it's about time I googled myself - just to see what I've been up to.I found this text work called i_you.  It's a performance text - each word is read prefaced with 'I' and followed by 'you'.  It was part of my MA show.  I made the piece in 1997.  Reading/performing it tonight it seems to say so much about my relationship with John  http://www.ucl.ac.uk/slade/degshow97/mayes.html   ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 I'm really flattered that Michael Petry has asked me to be one of the artists contributing to a forth coming project of his.  The proposal sounds quite beautiful - an installation in a lighthouse on the Norwegian coast.We've been asked to produce something that will be sealed into an oversize golden glass raindrop - something like a message in a bottle.  On my way to studio on Friday I worked out what  I want to make.  It's very personal and feels completely appropriate.  I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and today (my first Sunday in the studio) I've been thinking about how to do.  I must trust my instincts and try out the materials/processes (rather than think them through). ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 Lots happening.  I will set myself the task of making weekly entries again now that things have calmed down.I'm really pleased the piece I made for Michael Petry's Golden Rain installation.  I'd like to see his work when it's installed in the lighthouse.Forensic - the group show that I was in/wasn't in/am in again - looks like it's going to be really interesting.  Seven artists were invited to make work in response to the building, it's history and it's redevelopment.  I like this way of working though after talking with Michael I realise how 'thin' my research was for this particular project.  In my defence I was having a very stressful time with John's health and death.  The piece in itself is fine, it's just that it sits apart from other pieces I've made recently.Tine and I spoke with our studio landlord last week and it looks like we'll be able to keep the studios going for a while longer.  There is a potential rise in costs now that they've finally sorted out properly registering the whole building with the council - we might be hit with business rates.  I know this was a big problem a few years ago for some studios in the east end.  The good thing is that we now have a proper postal address. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 I feel inspired to get involved in education projects again.  Last week I attended the enquire/envision seminar in Eastbourne.  The discussions and presentations interested me, particularly the emphasis placed on contemporary art projects and the creative input of artists.  It made me realise just how burnt out I got doing back to back workshops that moved further and further from my own practice.  Things I need to remember:•    artists are vital partners•    demand equality of input•    be proactive•    look southThere were a few other artists there, most people were gallery educators, and it was good to have the opportunity to speak with them.  Susan Diab’s presentation made some very relevant points about what an artist brings to a project and the need to be recognised for our breadth of skills and experience.What we realised was that the artist (working on education projects) is often the only partner that isn’t part of an institution and while this level of autonomy is something we value highly it brings it’s own distinct challenges.  Susan and I discussed setting up an artist’s network where we (artists) could keep in touch with other.  This discussion led us to consider the possibility (and desirability) of an Artist’s Union.It’s far too easy for artists to feel that they have no authority or support when dealing with organisations and institutions.  A number of us shared stories of unsuccessfully trying to negotiate a-n’s suggested rates of pay with established galleries that real should be adopting them.  Too often we concede, hoping that eventually we’ll be rewarded.All the talk about CPD (continued professional development) was interesting but what constitutes an artist’s CPD?  I found the idea of an accredited CPD course rather alarming, what is it with everything having to be accredited?  To me it’s a response to ‘tick-box’ culture, rather than actually judging whether someone is capable of delivering a good project.  I’d like to think that the projects themselves are a measure of my success, not whether I’ve attend sufficient modules and workshops.  But then I remember a time when NVQ’s were given in recognition of achievement made in the work place, and not a short course at a local college.The seminar was hosted by the (currently under construction) Towner Gallery.  It was a privilege to get a tour of what will be an amazing new building.  In the last few years the south coast has had some major developments and re-developments in terms of contemporary arts venues and the new Towner looks like being a great addition to the De La Warr and Aspex, and the emerging artistic communities in Hastings and Folkestone.I realised that it would take me a comparable time to get to Eastbourne as it would to North London.  Now that I’ve met some of the gallery educators and seen more of the area I know where I’d rather be working.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 The last two Sunday's I've been invigiliating Forensic (a group show at 55 Leroy Street, London SE1).  Yesterday the visitors were a bit more hesitant about my work.  The piece invites people to 'spy' on the rooms above and below the first floor exhibition.  This done by peering into spy holes located in the ceiling and the floor.  The spy holes (like the ones usually found in domestic front doors) are quite discrete - what's most obvious is the ladder that enables access to the one in the ceiling.I have a real sense of detachment from the piece.  And don't know how I feel about it.  Although it sits well with the other work, and Linda Duffy (the show's artist/curator) likes it, I'm a little too aware of it's short comings.  I've had good feedback from artists who know my work.  They saw aesthetic and conceptual connections with my previous work, and while I appreciate this the piece is a little too blunt for my liking.It's probably not insignificant that I was working on ideas for this show shortly before John died.  It was installed in the days after returning from burying his ashes in Sweden.  Perhaps my sense of 'lack' doesn't really belong to the work at all.If anything I'm disappointed that there's so little of me in it.  It was a site-specific project and although it embraces this it has less wit, intelligence and ambiguity than I would like.The show runs for another two weekends - I won't be there as I'm working elsewhere but I look forward to hearing visitors feedback and reading the comments ...  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 What next?I'm getting impatient  to get on with things, the trouble is I don't know what things to get on with, what to do next ..It feels likes there's so much to do, too much to do and I can't seem to make sense of it all.  This is unlike me - usually I'm pretty well organised.  Perhaps I should set myself an arbitrary starting point and ... start.For the last few years I've 'maintained' my practice however my concentration has been very much focussed elsewhere.  To be honest I think I'm daunted by the new 'freedom' I have.  When I couldn't really do anything it was easy to fantasize about everything I'd do when I was able to.  Now that that time has come I've about three years worth of ideas, schemes and plans to sort out.  I'm feeling rather out of touch with the art world.I'm in danger of acting like that tired child who refuses to go to bed.  If only I could admit I'm exhausted and allow myself a bit of time out then perhaps I could start to make good sense of things ... In no particular order;•    get some good documentation of recent (and not so recent) work•    finish some/one of the things that's lying around the studio•    go to openings and galleries•    REALLY look at up coming opportunities•    get a website/online presence•    find some better paid work•    go back to college•    get some good advice•    move to the coast... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 Today I replied to an email asking if I'd like to be involved in a schools project later this year.  It's a project that I did a couple of years ago for an art centre in north London.  It felt good to reply positively while also highlighting how I want to work.The email, like others I've received, gave a certain amount of information about what the organisation wanted from me but it wasn't very discursive, and it certainly doesn't feel as though I'd be entering a 'partnership' with the gallery and the school.  This is something that I'm very aware of now (since Eastbourne).  It would be interesting to  ask the gallery and school if they consider the artist to be project partner or a hired specialist.  The email detailed the number of schools involved, the number of hours at each school, the age range of pupils, the artist's fee and the materials budget. Am I being unrealistic to expect a gallery to decide these things in discussion with the artist and the school?In my reply I expressed my interest in the project, I explained that I have a set day rate and that I don't work for less than a day.  I divided the artist's fee by my day rate and told the how many days I could offer.It took me a long time to write what amounted to about six lines and another while to decide if I should hit the reply button or not. I hit it with some trepidation.Although it's an entirely different situation the experience resonated with my feelings on reading the letter from a group of sculptors in April's a-n magazine. That is that artists are often the poor relations even in dealing with the organisations and institutions that should be supporting them.  How have we gotten in to this situation? ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 Off to Berlin tomorrow!  It's an awful admission but I haven't been before.Going to the studio this afternoon.  We were broken into last week and it's the first time I'll have been since then.  Rupert has been and fitted new locks.  Nothing was taken or damaged - I'm relieved but also a little hurt, is there really nothing of value there? ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 Berlin (i)This time last week I was on day five of a six-day trip to Berlin.  About now I was making my way from Zimmer Straße to Linden Straße before heading back to August Straße and on to Rosa Luxembourg Straße.  It was my first time in Berlin – what an amazing interesting place.It was my second Biennale experience (the first being Venice last year) and it could hardly have been more different.  I wasn’t expecting a repeat of Venice in fact I don’t know what I was expecting.  What I found was a vibrant young art scene in which the biennale seemed just one aspect.  The first few days of my time in Berlin were spent with Francois (an art-lover I met in Venice and have met with a few times at shows and fairs in London).  It was great to have him meet me at the airport and whisk me off to the biennale as soon as I’d dropped my bag off at the hotel – though I have to say I’ll never attempt to ‘do’ the biennale in eight hours again.  He was quite pleased that we’d seen it all (save for a video in the KunstWerk basement), I felt that I hadn’t had sufficient time in each location let alone with individual artworks.  It was an interesting insight into how he sees art.  Francois has a job that involves a lot of international client liaison and he’s able to schedule meetings on Fridays and Mondays which gives him the weekend to visit shows, fairs and biennales that ‘conveniently’ fall when he makes these business trips.I had every intention of going back to at least two of the biennale venues; after all I had two and a half days to myself after Francois left on Sunday afternoon.  In the event there was so much else to see that I didn’t make it back to any of them.On Saturday Francois had arranged for us to visit Sammlung Hoffmann – a private collection of contemporary art in a specifically designed private apartment.  It was the first time I’ve visited a real private collection and seen museum quality work on the walls of a private residence.  Most of the rooms have no evidence of being at all domestic, perhaps this is what made the dinning room with it’s table, chairs, furnishings and Polke one of the most fascinating.  Beyond that was a less formal room with a couple of high chairs and some dried orange peel twisted around the architectural banister – this our guide informed us was a piece by Mrs Hoffman and her grandchildren.  As if on cue a door opened and Mrs Hoffmann stepped though.  She was, of course, the perfect host and hoped that we’d enjoyed visiting her collection; she spoke at some length about the biennale and the Berlin scene before thanking us and wishing us a pleasant afternoon.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 The studio was broken in to a second time (while I was away). They took my radio and went through everything.  Jodi had sorted out things but when I went on Wednesday I noticed that there were things resting on the plastic sheeting I'd put up to keep the heat in.  On further inspection, ie. going up to the area above the staircase and kitchen, the burglar had emptied all the boxes I had stored up there.  While putting things back I came across journals and sketch books from my degree (1987-90), from when I was in Australia (1993) and from a couple of performance projects (1995-7).  It was amazing how many of the things that concerned me then still concern me now.Reading those journals, realising that 15 years on I was still skirting round the same issues, was simultaneously re-assuring and alarming.STOP SKIRTING START DOINGI'm going to look into a short course of web-design.  The more I thought about the website I want the more I realised that a website is an ideal media for showcasing my work. The website would be a project in itself.  Mapping out the content reminded me of the contextual projects I produced for eyestorm ... ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 Had a couple of great days in the studio last week.  I spent about 13 hours there on Thursday – I haven’t spent so long in a studio since I was on my MA.  I didn’t plan to be there that long it just happened.  The studios are quite busy at the moment and I enjoy knowing other people are around.I’m trying to focus on resolving/finishing pieces that I’ve started over the last year or so.  Though this, of course, leads to new thoughts and ideas.  There’s no point in having all these ideas and no finished work.  There are things I want to achieve that depend on having something to show other people – at the most basic level I’d like feedback on my work, beyond that I want to be in position to apply for shows, residencies and competitions.I’ve decided to invest in myself.  This is a new notion for me and I’m working it out in practice.  For whatever reasons I’ve often felt a bit awkward about demonstrably believing that what I do has a place in the world – what I mean is that I believe in what I do, but I don’t always believe that anyone else is, or would be, interested.  When I think back I realise that this is nonsense and that people have usually taken an interest in what I do and say.  So I’m actively countering my reticent tendencies and getting on with it!This weekend I’m going to Norway for the opening of Michael Petry’s Golden Rain project.  Deciding to go to the opening has taken me through some interesting thought processes.  Initially I was really excited, then I started to wonder if I was being a bit pretentious – after all I’m only one of 100 artists involved in his project, then Michael emailed us all saying that the organisers were really keen that as many artists as possible should attend.  So I booked my flight …  I guess my current anxiety is actually to do with taking myself seriously and feeling comfortable in the world that’s been a fantasy for so long.Other investments include asking Hugh, who has the carpentry shop on the ground floor of the studio, to get some plasterboard for me.  At the moment the studio doesn’t have a single wall with a good surface.  There’s also not a single surface that I can pin things to – and I’m working on finishing embroidery pieces that are pinned directly to the wall.  Those three sheets of plasterboard are going to make a big difference!These modest acts of investment are important to me.  It occurred to me that I need to take myself seriously if I want other people to do the same.  There’s a need (and a desire) to make this attitude real – to give it material form.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 Norway was fantastic – in so many ways.  It was exactly what I needed (without even knowing that I needed it).  Michael Petry’s project is quite something – a beautiful site-specific installation that includes contributions from 100 international artists and writers.  The project’s sophistication is manifest through characteristically honed research and attention to detail.  It is a wonderful piece and I am delighted to be involved.  The accompanying catalogue will be online shortly.I thought I was simply going to an opening, and to be honest after a somewhat stressful week of trying to deal with Lambeth Housing, I was looking forward to spending time away and alone.  What I found however was a truly welcoming group of artists and a really packed 48 hours.  And not only artists, Michael’s mother Alicia and uncle Juan Roberto had travelled from El Paso and Dallas respectively to be there.  From the moment Michael asked me to help prepare limejuice in his hotel bathroom I knew the weekend was going to be considerably more involved than I’d imagined.  (Michael was making Margaritas for everyone in the suite that two other artists – Julia and Ken – had been upgraded to.)Golden Rain is in one of the six decommissioned lighthouses being used for the On the Edge, Stavanger 2008 cultural programme that runs until the end of the year.  On Sunday five of us artists got the train to Egersund where Michael and Morton (the man who maintains the lighthouse and it’s surrounding landscape) took us out to the bay where we got the boat across to the lighthouse.This southern region is quite flat for Norway and we were lucky that the weather was clear and sunny.  We were invited to see the installation before the official opening.  In my mind I’d imagined that lighthouses are simply a very tall tower with a narrow staircase going round and round a central empty space.  Of course they’re not like that, they have floors and some of those even have small rooms, there are the engines that drove the lamp lenses around and there are the gauges and checks for ensuring absolute regularity.  The hundred golden raindrops appeared to be 'paused' as they descended the tower - showers of them are caught between the floors, caught in the lamp-keepers room, caught bouncing off the furnaces.The official opening included speeches, welcomes, readings, thank yous, flowers, gifts and a solo trumpeter playing something I assume to be either locally or nationally recognised.  On that day alone it was estimated that over 400 people came to the show.  Everyone who comes is invited to make their own message in a bottle, and these will be later released in to the Gulf Stream with an invitation for the person who finds one to send an email with details of where and when it was found ...... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 Why do I find so hard to concentrate on one thing, or even a few things, without succumbing to distractions?I've set myself a few small projects and deadlines, and yet before I've even started these I find myself hunting through the opportunities listings of half a dozen art websites.  The really dumb thing is that the tasks I've set are mainly focussed on getting existing work documented and available in a range of media formats so that I can make better applications.So, what's so hard about sticking to my strategy?  I wish I knew, that way I could do something about it.Projects & tasks:•    plasterboard one wall of the studio•    order materials to complete unfinished work•    photograph pieces I’ve made in the last two years•    learn to use the slide scanner I’ve been given•    make a model gallery for photographing macquettes•    make macquettes of large sculptures•    settle outstanding Crystal Palace Artists business•    write ‘Bed for …’ proposalOne new and important task is to get in touch with the curators Michael introduced me to in Norway.  I've been thinking a lot about the exhibition space they programme - it's very interesting.  It’s in a former railway station and has some curious restrictions imposed by the owners (the Norwegian rail company), such as not damaging or covering the 1970s wallpaper.  The trains still stop at the station but now tickets are bought on-board and the station building was redundant.  It would be hard to think of a gallery with better transport connections.And now I’ve seen another exhibition opportunity listed here.  Right I really need get on with getting some good images …... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 What happened to May?Achieved three things on my do to list:•    I have a lovely flat fresh white studio wall – it’s the only wall in the studio that I can actually pin things to.•    Yesterday morning I installed slide scanner software on my computer and used it to scan some slides of work from 2001.  It’s great to have these older pieces in digital form.  Though I must get the slides cleaned before I scan the next batch.•    Ordered and collected a length of foam ‘bolster’ for my patchwork punch bag.  Combined the collection with the Tom Friedman opening at Gagosian.  I felt rather under-dressed and over-burdened – one of the almost identically glamorous assistants smiled very sweetly as I laid my oversized package at the side that frighteningly extensive reception desk.Spent a great day playing with urine bottles last week – results pictured.  Was most surprised by the ‘cairn’ form that evolved.  I left in the studio for a few days and was genuinely delighted with the feedback I got from everyone.  Encouraged my to think I should play more and plan less.  Am I starting to uncover/recover the sculptor in me?  It’s ages since I played with materials – I know urine bottles are far from ‘neutral’ materials but I really enjoyed playing with their form and not thinking too much about they actually are.  I want to order some more and see how high I can go.My new bike has had a big impact on my life.  I’m more inclined to attend openings now it doesn’t cost me six pounds for a travel card (somehow the few hundred the bike cost doesn’t seem to worry me).  The other noticeable difference is that I don’t take my laptop with me when I work in the shop.  I could usually get at least the equivalent of an hour when I could go online.  Now I don’t do it.  In some ways it’s great and appeals to my technology resistance, in others I realise that I’m not as hooked in as I was.  Would it be possible not to use a computer these days?  What would that life be like?   I manage quite well without a mobile phone, though email and the internet is another question.  Last week I amended my email signature to include a line that says I don’t check my inbox everyday.  I read recently of a business where they never open email in the morning, and heard of another where they have email free days – it’s good to know I’m not the only one who feels overwhelmed by communication.  I can honestly say that I’d rather be on my bike than online …. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 I really enjoyed my few days in Berlin.  It’s only in the last few years that I’ve started visiting places more than once.  Being back in Berlin was much more relaxing than my first time, I knew my way around and that made a huge difference.  Now that I’ve been twice it feels as though I’ll go again.  Could I ever re-locate, not necessarily there, anywhere?It was great being invited to speak about my work to students.  It made me realise how much I miss being in an academic situation.  The question is how do I get back into it?  I looked at the person specification for a part-time visiting lecturer early this week – a PhD or equivalent profile was the first of the ‘essential’ criteria.  What’s stopping me from really investigating a PhD (I mean actually talking with someone about it rather just downloading stuff from various college websites)?The thing is, I’m really enjoying my life at the moment.  But I’m getting anxious about the future.  It’s okay (not ideal but okay) being 40 and having a couple of part-time ‘cash in hand’ jobs with no prospects, but I don’t want to do it forever, and if I don’t do something about it no-one else is going to!I’m quite clear about what I don’t want to do – I don’t want to run workshops in schools anymore and I don’t want to get a PGCE.  For the moment I don’t want to leave London.  Actually working out what I don’t want does help.  What else don’t I want?  I don’t want to live hand to mouth forever and I don’t want to become a ‘manager’.  I don’t want to give up my practice and I don’t want to ‘re-train’.I wrote those few paragraphs a week ago but didn’t post them.  I imagined that I’d do it the next day – I didn’t.  Since taking the second part-time job I haven’t got in to any sort of routine and weeks pass before I feel as though I’ve even started them.  Yesterday (Tuesday) I found myself already putting an imaginary line through this week – every day accounted for.  Of course it’s not quite like that but with four regular days work and an extra one on Sunday coming, it feels as though I have no time for myself.  I want to find a way to earn more and work less.Art opportunities are coming up and they’re starting to get more interesting – these are the things I really want to pursue, these are things that are important to me.  I’ve got to find a way to make it all sustainable ...... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 Brilliant! – I’ve just had the dates confirmed for a show in Norway.  So long as I can get everything together before I go on holiday I’ll still have time for a dry run in the studio before I make the installation on site.This year has been incredible.  I looked back over my diary this morning and was amazed at how much I’ve achieved in the last six months.  No wonder it feels like so much longer than it’s actually been.  This time last year I’d not long been to the Venice Biennale, and that feels like an age ago.All the things I’ve done seem to have happened ‘naturally’.  One thing has almost seamlessly led to the next.  It hasn’t felt like that before.I’m a bit concerned about the number of surveys and valuations that are being carried out on the studio building.  We’ve had a very good deal for the past few years and I accept that the Landlord wants to sort things out, however it looks like it might be a bit more serious.  The building is one of two former furniture depositories – the other building was converted into flat last year, but planning permission was turned down for our building due to it’s proximity to the houses behind it.  I wonder if the Landlord isn’t interested in non-residential properties.  Our building is in a pretty poor state and although we’d appreciate some fundamental repairs and remedial work we don’t want it redeveloped.I really like being there – there’s a great atmosphere and everyone gets on well.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 Finished patchwork punch bag last week. Thankfully I like it again!  I went through I period of wondering what I done and why I'd spent so long working on something that didn't please me.  Now that I can stand back and see it I like it. (Photographs to follow as my camera was playing up last week.)It was interesting to sit back and just be with this finished thing - this thing that I started working on about two years ago.  I don't think I've ever taken so long to complete a piece.  It's been with me over a very tough time, and that's important.  It's changed how I see it; I used to think it was a metaphor for what was happening to me, now it seems to speak of two beings (two shirts / two men).  Two beings suspended in a vulnerable position ...I know what I'm going to call it now - I just need to do the maths!  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 Feeling excited and nervous about the Norway show.  Got a few more things to sort out before I’m away for a couple of weeks, once I’m back I’ve got three weeks before I head out to Brusand’s Nordisk Kunst Plattform.  It’s a gallery and project space run by artists Liz Croft and Jan Kjetil Bjørheim, the gallery is the former ticket office and waiting rooms of a decommissioned train station on the Stavanger / Egersund line.It’s the first solo show I’ve had in years, and my first overseas show ever.  It feels like a real landmark (career mark?).  When it’s installed I think the work will look great.  The main piece features model train sets – it’s happy mix of ‘site relevant’ and studio practice development.Last week I had a wonderful time in a proper model shop getting all the bits I needed.  Being in that shop took me back to my childhood and the local model train shop I used to go to with my father and brother.  I was amazed how little models trains have changed – I was never that into the trains, I loved the model houses – the flat-pack printed card ones, that I’m delighted to say haven’t changed at all.  Wayne (one of the two brothers who own the shop) was really knowledgeable, helpful and interested in what I was doing.  The place smelt of that very particular thin oil that I remember from my brother’s periods of obsessive train maintenance.  I’m very excited about going to studio tomorrow and trying it all out!I’ve also got to work out what I’m going to do about a large (very large) group show that’s in London the week before I go to Norway.  I really don’t know what to do – the show has changed so much in the two years that it’s taken to organise.  Originally it was a far smaller group of artists with the intention of showing in an vacant shop.  We met up a few times and discussed our work and our ideas – it felt very open and interesting, and though we are all quite different I was confident that the show would be cohesive.  As it stands now it’s a big show in a small gallery, I don’t know all the other artists though I know some are more design/fashion focussed.  Now that I’ve seen the gallery I think the piece of work I made for the original show would look far better in Norway.  I haven’t been in a situation like this before and it’s raising all sorts of issues for me – about commitment, professionalism, friendship, ego ….... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 By the skinny skin of my teeth I managed to meet Pilot London’s deadline for responses to three questions;1    How much do you think that the art world is shaped by demand?2    Where do you feel you are in the food chain?3    How do you keep control of your input into this system critically and/or creatively?The team at Pilot sent these questions weeks ago and I’d put notes in my diary to remind me a couple of weeks before the deadline.  Even so I left it very late.  I actually got a lot from thinking about how to tackle the questions and how to respond.  My answers might be brief but they’re an accurate summary of where I am right now, and interestingly they also hint at future directions.*Question three is particularly relevant at the moment.  I’ve been wrestling with how to deal with that group show that I committed to two years ago and that is now (to my mind) something quite different.  Last night I emailed the curator and proposed an alternative to the piece she’s expecting.  I know that part of my motivation is an attempt to regain some control.  However there are also some very real practical issues around the installation of the originally proposed piece that make it less than ideal (there is only one day to install the show and I have a work commitment which I can’t afford to cancel, so I’m very limited in terms of the time I can spend installing).The whole process has made me think about the people and organizations I work with - the experiences I’ve found enjoyable, the ones  I’ve found more challenging, and the ones that shift and slide between.  The really enjoyable one’s tend to be where;•    the project has an strong conceptual integrity,•    collaborators and partners have clear roles and responsibilities,•    communication is easy and open, and•    flexibility is kept in balance. I love what I do, is it expecting too much to enjoy it too? ...    * All the answers Pilot receive will be published (‘exactly as they are’) later this year, and it feels wrong to write mine here!... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 Strange being back here, it feels like ages (it is ages!) since I posted anything.Good day at the studio - I thought I'd be there all day, as it was I did everything I wanted to by 4.30.  It felt weird to "finish early".  Sometimes I massively over estimate the time I need to do things.I'm really looking forward to my show in Norway.  Last week I was unnecessarily  anxious about re-spray the trains (I was too aware of how much it would cost to replace them if it didn't work).  On Wednesday I took a deep breath and hit the Bermuda Blue spray can!  Today I gave them both a final few coats.My two weeks in Sweden gave me time and space to think about what I do next.  In terms of my life/career.  I'd always promised myself a 'year off' after John died, and although I'm not quite there yet being in Stockholm seemed like a good place to start thinking a more seriously about both what I want to do and what might be realistic options.What do I even mean by 'realistic options'? ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 I’ve spent the last hour typing and deleting paragraphs that attempt to explain what I want to do next.  And basically I’m not sure that I can explain it, not in the ways I’m used to explaining things.I want to go to Stockholm, for at least a few months possibly a year …The plan so far:•    research residencies / exchange programmes•    make contact with artist led projects / studios•    plan a research visit for early 2009•    learn some basic SwedishI can’t explain it other than to say it feels right - more right than trying to get on to PhD programme, more right than finding better part-time work.  This feeling, listening to my feelings, is new to me and it’s a little bit scary – scary and exciting.Do I have to have a logical, rational, sensible reason for doing things?Perhaps my long-held desire to justify my actions isn’t relevant anymore. Who was I justifying them to anyway?... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 At the studio on Friday – giving the model trains a test run – when Tine mentioned that her sabbatical cover has fallen through and her college have asked her if see knows anyone who could step in and do it.  She stopped half was through her sentence and just looked at me … do I want to do it?Even if she puts me forward there’s no guarantee I’ll get it – though I was second choice for a very similar position at the same college about a year ago (I’d be working alongside the woman who was first choice!).  It’s not what I had in mind at all but seems like too good an opportunity to pass up.In my mind I was going to continue with my current part-time work (in retail) until late spring 2009 then head off to Stockholm.  Now I have the possibility of doing something much more interesting and simply going to Stockholm a couple of months later than I’d imagined.  Why did I even ask for the weekend to think about it??!  Why can’t I recognise a ‘no-brainer’?Do I have what it takes to be a ‘London Artist’?I’ve convinced myself that ‘London Artists’ are breed to themselves – they have to be to survive in this city.  Another way of looking at this is to ask if I want to be a ‘London Artist’.  Time away form this city might give me more insight – there are times when I love being here, love the sheer scale of the art-scene in all it’s diversity, love the buzz and the hype.  Then there are other times when I feel so distant form all that that I wonder what I’m still doing here.I love what I do, does it matter where I do it?If I have a better quality of life will I be a better artist?What is commitment?Autumn seems to be the right season for a bit of a review and research ….... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 Heading off to Gatwick later.Everything is packed.  I’m a little nervous about the transformer unit for the train set.  It’s well packed and in my hold luggage bag after hearing that someone was stopped at airport security with a similar transformer last year.  All the other components are in my cabin luggage.  It looks so little!Liz Croft has been a real pleasure to work with.  Other than one brief phone call last night all our communication has been through email, the whole process has been easy and enjoyable.Must remember to  ask about getting the installation videoed ...  http://www.nkplattform.no/... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860 The five days I spent at Nordisk Kunst Plattform were a kind of mini-residency.  Liz and Kjetil are committed to working with the artists they show.  Living with them for nearly a week meant that I had time to work out how best to install the work, it also meant we had time to talk about art, living abroad (Kjetil lived in London for many years and now Liz lives in Norway), and making a living.Day 1The Brusand Palette:  NKPlattform is known for it’s wallpaper!  The interior retains the wallpaper that was put up when it was station and much of the paintwork dates from the same time.  Unfortunately some wallpaper was badly damaged by careless telecom workers.  In another room a new wall had been hastily thrown up to separate the control room the railway still uses.  These areas needed repainting and I was invited to choose the colour.  We opted for a colour that already existed, taking our cue from the ceiling in the smaller room.  Armed with the fuse unit from the strip-light we headed off to the renowned colour mixer at the hardware stores in the next town (the smear of ceiling paint on the fuse unit was enough for him to create an exact match).  And so developed what we came to refer to as the Brusand Palette.Day 2Celebrity:  At a little after nine in the morning Kjetil came downstairs to the gallery where I was starting to unpack.  Jaer Bladet’s arts correspondent wanted a phone interview for the region’s daily newspaper.  Liz and Kjetil have worked hard to promote the space and the artists they show, they are recognised as bringing something new and exciting to an area which is best known for it’s significance to the history of Norwegian landscape painting.  (The landscape and the light are stunning and I often found myself just staring out over the platforms across the fields towards to the distant but perfectly clear mountain range.)The rest of the day was spent making sure the electrical components had survived the budget airline journey and working out how to show the handkerchiefs.  It was only when they initially failed to work that I realised that I had no idea how the transformer worked let alone to repair it.  Thankfully it was a very simple problem with the track connector.Late afternoon the newspaper calls to say they are sending a photographer at 8.30 the next morning – they want a picture of me with the work.In the evening we discuss the idea of the Brief Encounter edition.  Liz had suggested it weeks ago and although I’d had a few ideas we decided it would be nice to produce it on-site.  It also solved a potential transport issue.  The installation itself packed and folded into my small suitcase (if it hadn’t been for my concern about the transformer unit I could have taken the whole thing as hand luggage).... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/377860