http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 A 6-month residency in Berlin. Sun, 06 Jul 2008 07:49:39 +0100 a-n rss generator a-n The Artists Information Company and contributors edit@a-n.co.uk technical@a-n.co.uk http://sites.a-n.co.uk/img/logo.gif http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 It is my second day. I take a walk out with several tasks to complete, including locating a suitable German language course. Spotting 'Schule' on a building nearby my studio, a brief investigation lands me in the middle of day 1 of a four week intensive language course.The class group is very small, the teacher very jovial - I like him and instantly feel at ease. The price of the course also, at 183 Euros, is considerably less than the 500 - 1000 I had been advised.It takes me a while to accept that I could by chance have stumbled upon just what I needed, without undertaking a City wide telephone / website / walking investigation of the many language schools in Berlin I had planned.Could it really be so easy and still be 'right'? It is a while since I have undertaken a residency, but I am instantly reminded of the strange mixture of intention and chance unfolding into new work in a new environment. These gentle and happy collisions of fate have in the past lead me into unexptected and fertile collaborations with dancer, writer, musician and actor. I recall today why I enjoy working in a residential context - the finite framework of time / space / place breeding an intensity of experience quite different to 'being at home' - though at homeness is another set of qualities with it's own insights and rewards.Time to get on with my homework...... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 On returning home: My first week has been largely occupied by language studies and settling in. The downside to residencies in unfamiliar places is the time spent lost, seeking that which would be easily to hand at home. The upside to residencies in unfamiliar places is the time spent happily lost (re)discovering that which might be overlooked, through (over)familiarity at home.I have spent much of my life travelling. When I stopped travelling I seemed to replace an outer physical motion in geographical spaces with an inner exploratory motion through psychological spaces - which restlessness has lead me to explore art, singing, dancing, writing, meditation, religion, relationships and other things.I don’t have a good track record for staying long in one place, though very recently (last month in fact) I had finally surrendered to the possibility of adopting Newcastle as my ‘home’ - to make it a choice as opposed to it being a place where I found myself when my studies ended.I don’t have a good track record for remaining in any one job either, though thankfully my commitment to a creative path seems to remain pretty stable, even if my relationship with the wider art world at times feels strained: I often find myself choosing other activities (e.g. dancing, singing or the theatre) over art activities (e.g. an opening), leaving me occasionally confused as to where my real ‘loyalties’ lie.The above rambling introduction leads me back though to place where eventually, I do always seem to return – my artwork.Before departing Newcastle, I had been buying fresh, unprepared game – gutting, plucking or skinning it at home (and cooking and eating it) taking video and digital stills along the way. My journey to this particular work has also been rather long –15 years of (almost) vegetarianismEating rabbit stew with a wonderful, generous Polish family, whilst said white fluffy bunnies skipped around my feet (the ‘almost’)Working in conservation in the Lake District, with rare breed and organic farmersA sudden dramatic (one third of my body) weight loss leading to an intense carnivorous phase to reverse my impending departureWatching my stepmother pluck a duck…And finally the disappearance from my local market in Newcastle of hanging game in 2003. I have since learnt from ‘Bob’ the game stall manager that he stopped selling unprepared game partly because his customers no longer knew what to do with it; but mainly because the health and safety executive said that ‘dripping fluids’ posed a health risk to customers, so the practice was no longer allowed.Looking at the above journey I realise how long it can take to sink into and finally make a piece of work.When I surrendered to calling Newcastle my home earlier this year, I had felt that the short burn cycles of residencies (of which I had undertaken several from 2002 till 2005) were no longer serving my needs. I had thought I should balance a part time job with commissions and a studio practice, and develop further some of the projects I had initiated in the NE region - namely the artists network newcastleGRAFT, more about that perhaps later.Like I said though, I don’t have a good track record for staying put, so here I am in Berlin, exploring things to do with the home in a temporary live / work space far from the place I had begun to call home,Feeling now in fact that I might rather like to call this my home…... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 Postcards from Berlin (introduction): Compared to Newcastle, the art scene in Berlin is big, no, it is HUGE. Part of my purpose here over the next 6 months is to get to know it, and in doing so to reorient, reconsider and relocate my practice in this new context. My Dad lives in Spain. When I first went to visit him, I spent the first 4 or 5 days of my holiday luxuriating in the novelty of his new pool. (I fell into a canal aged four. My slightly older brother followed by my grandmother who couldn’t swim both jumped in to rescue me. Whilst my would be rescuers both nearly drowned - I simply floated - buoyed up by my 60’s style swing coat billowing out like an aquatic parachute around me. The near tragedy was averted by a swarthy and handsome [so my granny said] fisherman chancing upon the scene to rescue us - ever since I have had a love affair with water.) Towards the end of my stay we took a trip to the beach. My Dad lives near to one of the most beautiful beaches in the region with clear waters and white sand backing onto an extensive nature reserve. Naturally we found ourselves in the sea (my Dad is a water-babe too) and as we floated and shrivelled for the next hour or so, I reflected that though my time spent in the pool had been enjoyable, the parameters of the experience had been defined by 5 rectangular expanses of small blue tiles. I hadn’t truly comprehended the extent (or not) this limitation until stepping into the unbounded bliss of the Sea to merge with soft sand and stinging jellyfish. Nobody likes to admit that their view of things has been blinkered, but as I venture out into the vastness of the Berlin arts scene I realise that mine has. Just as the differing environments of first pool and then the sea shaped my experience, I am seeing how much my work to date has been shaped by the context within which I have been making. To be fair I have experienced these shifts or 'awakenings' many, many times before in my practice, in relationships, in life – in just about everything that I do. What may sound like naiveté in my writing is actually me revelling in the fact that there is always more to learn, more growth to be had. One of my favourite books is “Zen Mind, Beginners Mind” by Suzuki Roshi, but perhaps more about that later. For now though I simply wanted to introduce to you that while I am here, I will be looking at Galleries; I will tell you about these (the smaller, independent galleries) in my blogg entries entitled Postcards from Berlin.The entries will focus on the Galleries themselves rather than the exhibitons in them. I am aiming to 'map' at least some of the many independent spaces here (as oppose to writing a review) firstly so I can get a grip on the scene myself, and also as a (hopefully useful) service to artists coming here.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 Postcard from Berlin (1):Last Friday I visited ‘after the butcher’www.after-the-butcher.deThis is an artist owned space in a former butchers shop in the district of Lichtenberg, in the east of the City. The family who own it (they also live above and have a studio / workshop there) curate regular exhibitions including paint, print, sculpture, video and live events. The opening that I attended of work by artists Megan Sullivan and Axel J Weider, had the friendliness of a small fete as it spilled from gallery space into family garden, complete with music (not live, though there is a live event there later this month) and children playing on swing. The work on show was selected with the eye of an artist investing in that which s/he finds interesting and of worth.The gallery space itself has interesting original features including shop front windows. If passing you can, as seems to be common in Berlin, pick up an invite for the next opening from the cardboard box taped onto the front door.To get there take the S-Bahn to Noldnerplatz or Ostkreuz (the first being nearer), the gallery is at 25 Spitta Str. off Turrschmidt Str. If hungry - pop round to the corner of Tuchollaplaz and Turrschmidt Str where there is a great little bar - the ‘Rathaus’ - with outside seating and regular BBQ’s.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 Postcard from Berlin 2a: Last weekend I went to 3 galleries (see postcard 2b also): 1. Stedefreund www.stedefreund-berlin.de This is at the top end of Rosenthaler Str. 3 close to Rosenthaler Pl. on the U8 north of Alexanderplatz; or if you prefer you can take a walk from Hackescher Markt on the main east/west S Bahn axis, taking in some shopping opportunities on the way (see below). This project space is an artist led initiative involving 20 Berliner artists working in a variety of media. The space, like many artist lead projects in Berlin, makes use of a former office/mixed use building – the signage when I visited was very discreet so be careful not to walk past it. There is a monthly exhibition schedule, two annual group exhibitions as well as the project ‘Edition 100’ – an evolving platform of the artists’ work, presented both in the project space and as printed material for sale. Shopping – walking to this Gallery from Hakescher Markt towards Rosenthaler Pl., leave some time to look into Waahnsinn Berlin – a shop packed more with Retro clothes and furniture than you can shake a stick at, I thought it quite pricey so only browsed. Also on route is Calypso - packed from floor to ceiling and every conceivable space in between with second hand shoes both ‘new’ and retro.www.calypsoshoes.com ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 Postcard from Berlin 2b:Last weekend I went to two openings. They were in independent or artist runs spaces very near to the very large and very excellent Hamburger Banhofwww.hamburgerbahnhof.deFor all take the S Bahn to Hauptbanhof on the main East West axis. The two galleries below are on Heide Strasse, a commercial / industrial street with warehouses and offices, that runs up the side of the Hamburger Banhof.The first opening was at Speilhaus Morrison Galerie:www.spielhaus-morrison.comThis is a large former industrial space that has been sensitively converted for the showing of art. I found the whole space a little ‘swish’ for my taste and didn’t really feel at home. However I imagine that it would be possible to see some good contemporary artists work well shown in this very spacious and bright gallery, and I wouldn’t mind seeing some of my own sculpture in there too (just don’t ask me to dress for the occasion).The second opening was at ‘Fruehsorge – contemporary drawings’:www.fruehsorge.comI had much more fun here – this is a gallery dedicated to drawing and the group show I saw included a cute little robot making a floor drawing, animations and papercuts in a show that aimed to "experiment with how far the medium can be extended sculpturally, architecturally and linguistically".The exhibition was linked to, and culminated in a joint publication by, two publications for drawing:www.dmagazine.orgwww.fukt.de... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 "What I've really enjoyed is having time with other artists and time for reflection. The studio feels more playful - last week I caught myself sitting back and smiling at something I'd made with bright ribbons, materials I'd have been far too stressed to allow myself a couple of months ago!"From the blog 'Project Me' by Stuart Mayes.On discerning the underlying motivations that shape my practice:My work is developing slowly around my language course. I have put out some feelers about getting whole game products to use in my videos (I would really like a hare), the process of obtaining permission is interesting, but convoluted and slow.At present though I realise, the thing that excites me most in my studio is two cardboard boxes, a paper bag, some drawings I made of parrots and petals some months ago, and the possible ways in which these elements might combine.I am beginning to understand that sometimes (not always) my use of video is motivated by a reluctance to commit to and confront the physical presence of an object, and all that this makes us/me feel.In a roundabout way this has been one of the motivations for my recent work, which has involved skinning rabbits and plucking ducks: a desire to connect with flesh, the body - to explore physical presence.As I look at the cardboard box in my studio, I recollect a similar impulse that when I first started making art, carried me towards sculpture.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 On relationship:My new German friend when he came to my studio looked for a few seconds at my work and said "it is all about relationship".The works I have pinned up span the last 12 months and so far I have been unable to see in them a satisfactory unifying theme, not that there need be one, but I sensed that there was and somehow I was missing it.Of course there are the themes that I expressed in my proposal for this residency -my current work explores a collective forgetfulness, a subtle evolutionary shift from feathers, fur and dirt to shrink-wrap plasticand whilst these remain valid, I had often felt that there was something else going on under the surface of my work that I was failing to see.Apart from my artwork, I have in recent years been undertaking a thorough and unrelenting investigation of both my own personal psychology and wider family history. In the process I have uncovered 'artefacts' which give pattern and shape to aspects of my character that had previously seemed like 'random aberrations' from the normal course of my behaviour.My ancestors have a wonderful (hidden)history including affairs, elopements, 'illegitimate' children (I hate that term), bunny boiling stalkers (love in a hall of mirrors bent to insanity) and bigamy. One day when it is safe (and considerate) to do so, I shall write it all down.And just as these hidden artefacts were shaping my approach to family and home, so I now see their undercurrent tugging at the feet of the work I have been making:birth, life, death, love(fear) as experienced inside(outside) of the frame of relationship and home.Some flowers to my new German friend for his clarity of insight.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 How to find out what's going on when in Berlin:You can pick up these first two for free at cultural institutions in Berlin: Berliner Galerien - this has mainly big or commercial galleries, it is a paid for listing so is not necassarily and indicator of quality.Index - handy fold out postcard format with maps and listings of a more select range of galleries including independent and commercial. It apparently used to include artist lead spaces, but they no longer seem to be listed, perhaps because the artist led scene has grown so rapidly.Zitty - a fortnightly magazine with arts listings that include artist lead spaces for 2.70 Euro.Tippy - I have been told that 'Tippy' has a good listing but not encountered it yet, I will update here when I have.(what it it with the names 'Tippy' and 'Zitty' - does anyone remember the children's programme Rainbow...?)... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 Postcard from Berlin 3:Last weekend I went to an opening at MEINBLAUwww.meinblau.deThis is a split-level gallery space in a complex that also houses 14 studios. The studio programme includes early career as well as established artists, international exchanges and “an office for philosophy/aesthetics/art theory”. The organisation was first established in 1997 and re-opened/re-organized in 2005 by means of European funding.The exhibition I attended was a lively (visual) conversation between Yudi Noor (installation artist), Zascho Petkow (furniture designer) and Ingo the Wuntke (furniture designer). I enjoyed a happy half hour lounging in a big green seat, awaiting an end to the deluge of rain outside.To get there take the U2 to Senefelder Platz, the gallery is a 10 minute walk away at 18/19 Christinen Str. – it is located round the back of the big courtyard at this address.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 Dream Diary, Introduction.It has to be said that I have a most extraordinarily vivid dream life. I have always kept track of this in handwritten journals and began recently to type some of these up. In doing so I noticed a 'conversation' emerging between my artwork and my dreams.At the risk of exposing myself (and it does feel risky, they speak of my interior life, their content is often sexual, they bring to the surface things that I have not yet understood about myself) I am going to track some of them here in my blog.I admit to feeling conscious of, and vulnerable to - YOU - the reader, and how YOU (yes you) may interpret them. However, I am rapidly learning in my life that it is those things that remain in the shadows of our consciousness that exert the greatest (and sometimes the most destructive) influence over us.Art and writing offers the opportunity to bring these things to light and to create something of value along the way.In that one sentence I have of course opened a whole can of worms about art as 'therapy', the 'value' of art and where this resides (if it can be said to reside anywhere at all). These questions deserve some attention, but for now, all I wanted to say is "here are a few things I have been dreaming about recently".(I will update these posts with images as and when they come to me).... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 Dream Diary 1, The Cobra:I am faced by a cobra. It is exquisitely beautiful.It attacks my face, biting me again and again, aiming in particular for my cheeks. I raise my hands and squint my eyes to defend myself. Yet somewhere deep in my consciousness I am aware that the bites whilst 'poisonous' - are actually healing and not hurting me.Even at the ripe young age of 35 I am still prone to blush. Whilst this tendency does not visit me so often as it did in my youth, it still does. I am more able now though to welcome a blush with curiosity and the knowledge that this quality can also be rather attractive.I awoke with the feeling that the apparently violent content of this dream was in fact deeply healing, rather like a combination of acupuncture and small doses of poison used to stimulate immunity.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 Dream Diary 2, Blue Heron:I am overwhelmed by the arrival of a Blue Heron; its presence is majestic, awesome. This is one of those rare moments in dreams where I become suddenly sentient, aware that I am dreaming and of what I am dreaming.I leave this conscious space and dream next that I am the keeper of a Jail. I have granted a pardon to two men and am releasing them from their cells. One is old, the other much younger - they both have the appearance of having lived life on the street. As they are walking away, I have the sudden realisation that a potentially fatal theft has taken place. Instinctively I run to the older man and tear at his trouser leg. Attached to his calf (and bound in a most cruel and distressing way) is the blue heron.At first I fear it is dead, but then it opens it's eye to look at me - I easily release it with a sense of relief that I spotted and averted this 'death' in the making.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 More Gathering:My language course finished last week.I am now gathering momentum in my studio, beginning with buying and setting up necessary equipment (printer, scanner etc) - punctuated by trips around pound shops purchasing the 'stuff' that always seems to accompany my investigations as an artist.I have brought home postcards, plastic flowers, cushions and several metres of lino with horses on - ostensibly to be used as a floor covering for a 'messy space', but really because the horses seemed to say something about my enquiry, though I am not sure what yet.I notice how residencies commence this way, with an instinctive gathering together of a great mass of images, information, snippets of conversation, text, sensations, hunches and imaginings. All act as way markers to the work yet to be made, to the destination as yet unseen.The sun has come out again too, last weekend I went out to Gruneweld, a very large woodland and lakes in the west of Berlin. There was some really interesting signage showing what animals are in the forest - majestic owls swooping across indigo skies, poised pensively against half moon backdrop, tenderly feeding their young - all adding to the strange wilderness/theme park feel of the place.Whilst sunbathing there I saw a young girl walking her pet rabbit, and a panicked duck crashed into my knees attempting take off.The woodlands and lakes within Berlin are astonishing for their scale and proximity to the centre - they warrant further exploration.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 “The Shadow that trots behind us is definitely four footed…”I went away for a couple of weeks recently (hence the quiet time on my blog). As I was leaving my apartment at 4am to catch the S Bahn to the airport, I realised I had forgotten to empty my rubbish. Making a quick journey + flight departure time assessment, I realised that I could not pause to find a torch and take it down and out into the backyard so – I shut the door and left.Upon my return, a noon-twilight in my very hot and well sealed flat was cast by a dark net curtain of flies humming expectantly beneath drawn blinds (many lay gasping on the floor, whether through heatstroke or simply a natural closure to their life cycle I do not know) - a trail of small droppings laced around bloated belly rubbish bags.One hour and much pine green liquid making improbable claims to shininess later, order was restored; though for the next two mornings, a hopeful trail of pooh has stretched across not as sparkly as promised expanses to the place where the rubbish bags used to squat.The whole episode made me think of the theme of my work, how the wild(erness) is so close beneath our feet: in concrete gullies and utility channels behind white walls, waiting for the ripe aroma that says order has collapsed and is decaying.I have brought a ‘capture not kill’ trap in the hope of becoming acquainted with my little visitor; it sits primed in my kitchen with a cartoon like lump of yellow cheese complete with holes. I imagine my visitor to be a mouse: it will be my friend and I may even build a special sculpture to keep it entertained. It brings to mind my favourite literary mouse in Froth on the Daydream (Boris Vian): gamely scrubbing paws down to fragile lace like knuckles in a noble but ultimately futile attempt to polish dimming tiles in a sick and decaying household.I hope that my mouse, if I ever get to meet him, will be a much happier one. But then again I have wondered whilst looking at the evidence of my night time visitors, does anyone know, do cockroaches pooh…?... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 Postcard from Berlin 4: Weekly meetings for English Speaking Artists in Berlin. Last night I went to a park in Schonhauser Allee in the north of the city, looking for a group of 'English Speaking Artists'. I found them in a nearby bar - The Bird - which had been selected as a 'bad weather' contingency meeting place. The meetings are advertised on Craig's list http://berlin.craigslist.org/ats/332621611.html It is run by Paul Tilyard (web link below), an artist from Tasmania who has spent nearly a year living/working in Berlin. He described to me during the evening how he came to Berlin to meet more artists - the arts scene being somewhat smaller in his hometown - only to find himself isolated and working alone in his studio. Resolving to do something about it, he advertised a weekly meeting point for English Speaking Artists on the Craig’s List site. After two months with some "disappointing" small meetings (1 to 4 people), a critical mass was reached and the events really took off. On the night I visited there was a healthy mix of 15 - 20 frequent attendees, people (like myself) new and people passing through. There were a variety of 'stories' from short stay visitors, local German artists to long-term ex-pats. It was interesting to hear about the range of tactics artists use to support themselves in the City, including private English tuition, cooking and literature lessons. If I decide to stay on in Berlin beyond my residency, these meetings would provide the kind of network needed to help locate studios and find work. The evening had a pleasant, informal and sociable atmosphere - the group was 'non-cliquey' and I was made to feel welcome. In many ways the initial motivation for the meetings is quite similar to those that prompted me to start the network newcastleGRAFT in the NE. I was impressed by Paul’s determination - not giving up in the winter months, when few people were attending.I was left inspired by the brilliant usefulness of such a simple resource funded only by generosity and perseverance. http://www.paultilyard.com/... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 Postcard from Berlin 5:Kunstlerhaus Bethanien:Kunstlerhaus Bethanien is a gallery and studios set in a stunning former hospital building and park in Marianplatz, near the Ubahn stop Kottbusser Tor.As well as providing 25 studio spaces, accommodation and gallery space, the organization also undertakes an impressive range of activity including residencies, cultural project workshops, publishing, media labs and artists advisory services.The residency programme can only be applied to through partner organizations, which can be found on the website below. Unfortunately at present it has no UK based partners - somebody fill that gap! http://www.bethanien.de/en/ The gallery is located in Kreuzberg, a largely Turkish area: with more than half of all Berlin's buildings damaged or destroyed during WW2, Kreuzberg is home to a considerable pocket of pre-war architecture, it is worth a stroll to soak up both the contemporary and historical here.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 Postcard from Berlin 6:Two Very Different Artist Suppliers and a Tasty Meal:Yesterday I went looking for materials. I visited Kunst Stoffe, a warehouse offering recycled material, workshops for hire (wood and textiles) and operating community based events.http://www.kunst-stoffe-berlin.de/The materials warehouse is open on Fridays only, and houses a huge stock of fabric, wood, paint, paper, and other odds and ends. Kunst Stoffe is easily reached from the Pankow S-Bahn stop.I heard about Kunst Stoffe through a talk at the Berliner Kulturafel, given by artist Corina Vosse who runs the Warehouse. http://www.berliner-kulturtafel.de/ The Kulturafel talks are delivered by artists and are mainly aimed at the community of Lichtenberg, home to the Stadthaus Museum where the talks are held (the location also of my residency).The events include a very tasty and cheap meal prepared in the Museums 'social kitchen', and are arranged by photographer Michael Harms. During the evening we had an interesting conversation about Germany's policy of '1 euro' jobs (i.e. the rate of pay):These are a government initiative for people who have been unmeployed for over a year: they are intended to be supplementary community work and not to take the place of proper paid employment. In practice though, many jobs that artists might take (i.e. community workshops, museum invigilation etc) are actually now filled with these 1 euro posts impacting upon common sources of artists income...You can see Michael Harms photographic work athttp://www.kunst-raum.de/ Next I went to Boesnershttp://web-01.boesner.dus.de.serverscope.net/ a large traditional art material suppliers on Marienburger Str 16, selling everything from large stretchers, to frames, clay, rock, paint, paper etc. The nearest S-Bahn stops (either Prenzlauer or Greifswalder on the ring) are a bit of a hike away so either take a trolley for all your goodies or a tram stop might get you nearer.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 Stasi Curtains:For the last 2 weeks I have been struggling with an essay I have been trying to write about curtains that I photographed at the Stasi Museum.Here are the pictures themselves, as a sneak preview and to make me finish my essay...... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 English Speaking Artists in Berlin:A couple of days spent having fun with blog sites and email lists yields:English Speaking Artists in Berlin - blog spot and egroup.The Blog spot:http://englishspeakingartistsinberlin.blogspot.com/ The posts on my a-n blog entitled Postcards from Berlin have now migrated to this blog spot. I intend to build it up into an online resource, a 'guidebook' for artists researching, visiting and considering relocating to Berlin.I am inviting collaborators for this venture (well Berlin is huugee! I con't do it all by myself!) who I hope to meet through the yahoo e-group also of the same name.http://groups.yahoo.com/group/englishspeakingartistsinberlin/Community resource building seems to be an inherent part of my practice. I sometimes wonder if I am just distracting myself from the 'real stuff' of making art with this activity. But then again if I decide to stay on here in Berlin I am sure these resources will help me in that quest. And if I leave, then hopefully they will be a beneficial legacy of my stay here.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 Guido hunts wild boar and deer:Continuing with my work as it was developing in the UK (i.e. the preparation of fresh game in the kitchen) has been a slow journey with many dead ends, in part due to my limited grasp of German. The difficulty of tracing food chains back to their source though in itself has reflected something of what inspired the work in the first place: a sense that we have very much disconnected from the actual origins of the things that we eat - especially meat - and replaced this with a marketing image of happy cows in green fields.Finally though, last Thurs I went to meet Guido, a hunter, butcher and chef working out east of Berlin. He arranged to meet me at the last stop on the line out NE out of the City - I thought we were just meeting to introduce ourselves and so was in my 'city civvies'.It turned out that he was going hunting that night so I went along, in my practical nylon flares and PVC coat. Luckily I had brought my camera. And we sat watching a darkening field from a hide in a tree for four hours - saw some deer mating, a fox and a rabbit - nothing came close enough to shoot (though I was fairly eaten alive by mosquitoes...).Despite me turning up looking like I might be going to a restaurant or the theatre, he has agreed to take me out again. Hopefully I will be able to go out until he gets a kill (he shoots deer or wild boar about 4 or 5 times a year though he is out several times a week after completing his days work in restaurant or butchers shop). I find the process that he engages in - long periods, week after week spent sitting, watching, waiting - quite fascinating and wonder how I might capture this quality in video (or some other way perhaps?).As I said before in this blog, I was previously a committed vegetarian for 15 years and this work really is a head on confrontation with my choice to once again eat meat - to bring consciousness to this decision - and I have yet to see where this process will lead me. I was grateful though to my guide Guido, and thankful that as we whispered in the hide, he revealed a sense of both knowledge, love and respect for the environment within which he works.He learnt his trade from his mother who also used to hunt.There seems so much potential in this chance meeting (on one of the many (unsuccessful) occasions when I enquired in restaurants in Berlin that served game as to whether they could put me in touch with their supplier, Guido happened to telephone the chef I was speaking to in the middle of our conversation so he passed the phone to me...)I will post some images soon.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 Some PracticalitiesOn residencies: after a whirlwind tour I am now back and fully focused on my residency again. I have had a break, in part due to the need to attend to a family health related crisis - life is like that sometimes, tripping you up with unexpected bad bad news. In part though I have taken a break from my work here in order to focus on where I am going next...Previously on projects I have managed to turn what looks like a good fee at the outset into a gaping debt by the end. I have usually 'achieved' this by failing to temper enthusiasm with some down to earth common sense thinking - that ensures ALL expenses incurred through a project are accounted for when laying out a budget plan.I was a high achiever during my BA and MFA studies (as measured by grades), largely as a result of unrelenting and diligent hard work stretching into many long evenings and weekends, sustained consistently over a 6-year period. Naturally I continued this kind of 'work ethic' after graduation (and to be fair it is the kind of work ethic that nearly every artist I know subscribes too, and is not 'exceptional' in that sense).Last year I had felt that my engines of creation had ground to a halt. With the breathing space and distance allowed by coming to Berlin, I can reflect that this slowdown came about through a failure on my part to provide a basic level of financial stability for myself. And that this happened through a "work really hard on this project and it will pay off financially later" type mentality.(...actually, as I look at what I have written above, I realise I have been playing with my financial future as if I were "gambling" in a really bad game of poker!). One area where this is acutely felt in residences is the associated costs created at the beginning and end of a project that need to be accounted for when laying out a spending plan. So for instance, to undertake this project in Berlin, I forfeited my lovely comfortable lodgings in Newcastle, and so had to 'move house' into temporary storage (my studio!). This of course took up time which could be spent working (and earning), as well as resources for van hire, assistance etc.And as I approach the end of my project I now have a new set of costs to account for - a deposit and one months rent up front on a new place, removal costs (once again...!) and the cost of living in a B&B for a while until I find somewhere to live - after all I want to take the time to find a 'home' rather than having to leap at the first thing that comes up...All of which is a part of the financial cost to me of undertaking this project.I was determined at the outset not repeat past mistakes, as I have realised that my former modus operandi was making my practice unstable and unsustainable in the long term. So I have also taken a break from my work here to do research and make heaps of applications, ensuring this residency runs straight into the 'next thing' with as short a gap as is possible.I would never have made such allowances before and have often emerged after an intense completion of project / exhibition / do project report and final budget to hand to funders phase (which ALWAYS takes longer and costs more than expected!) only to find that I am completely broke and exhausted - which is never a good space to be in when looking for the next thing.The good news is that as an artist developing my practice, I have probably made absolutely every mistake in the book (and created some new chapters of my own!). For instance it took me ages to visit the a-n fees calculator and it was a shock to see in "bare faced can't lie to myself anymore figures" the disparity between the rates I was charging, and what my expenses as an artist ACTUALLY are.Ever optimistic - that I have made all of these mistakes is actually good news as when I finally 'get it right' I will really know how I did it, and will really know the consequences of doing things otherwise, and so can make an informed choice about not doing the same again. My applications frenzy has (still despite all I have said above about residencies...) included residencies, freelance projects with communities and further study (MPhil) etc. The one I have chosen to go ahead with is a part time salaried post (with a-n) in London.I feel happy with this choice in more ways than one: I have for some time now wanted to 'give London a go': despite warnings from refugees of the London arts scene I have met here in Berlin about high costs of living!I also have a good circle of friends in London, and my move coincides with several of my peers from around the country relocating there - I am looking forward to possible reacquaintences and associated new doorways opening.And part of my new job (to commence in October) happily involves visiting the Newcastle office once a month, enabling me to maintain connections in the region where I have lived and practiced for the last 6 years.And finally in London I am only a cheap flight away from Berlin and I would really like to expand further my blog of Berlin galleries...http://englishspeakingartistsinberlin.blogspot.com/ ...as well as cultivating connections that arise from the final stages of my residency (see my next post...). I am looking forward to a phase of developing my practice with the backup of a good salary, so that I don't 'need' to take freelance work for a while and can exercise more choice over what I do - and more importantly - do not do.I also think about Guido, the East German hunter I have been accompanying (see other posts!) and what I might be learning from him. He hunts several times a week, making only a few catches per year, spending much of his time simply watching and waiting.Watching and waiting with him I have considered that part of the problem of my former strategies has been that they have lacked any long term thinking - instead working on intense short burst projects and quickly moving on to the next thing, with too much effort and energy focused on "the kill" and not enough time to simply 'be' and enjoy the journey. I like to think that I might be entering a new phase of development with a rhythm similar to that of Guido's when he is hunting.I wonder how different my work may look by doing this? How much has it been inadvertently shaped by the circumstances I have created for my work - as vivdly as if I had chosen to work with wax instead of bronze? All of the above might sound like a whinge about residencies and a project that I know several of my peers in the NE would have given their eye / teeth to do. And I acknowledge that it is a short term residency that has allowed me this time to reflect in more depth on my long term future. Am I being 'ungrateful' by publicly reflecting on these things, on the downsides of a good opportunity? I don't think so - these are the realities of being an artist and they need to be talked about.(Images shown developed from video footage supported by Allenheads Contemporary Arts Centre April 2007 http://www.acart.org.uk)... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 And the next thingI am now finishing a German style folio to be presented in the coming weekes to galleries and individuals I have identified during my stay here. The creation of this folio has been a new thing for me and I have found it a very useful and rewarding exercise - I will describe it in more detail in the next few days.The input I have had from the German based curator who is mentoring me here in Berlin - concerning the packaging and presentation of my work and the differences between the Berlin and Newcastle arts scenes - has been been one of the most valuable aspects of this residency; I will try to pass on some of the key points I am learning (esp. re the differences in presentation) for any artists planning to arrive with their work to Berlin...... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 New toysMuch of my residency has been unexpectedly spent exploring online resources new to me. Up till now I have only ever had dial up connection whereas here I have super high speed broadband; it has been a bit like gorging myself till sick and some more in a sweet shop at night...but I think I am balancing out to a more healthy diet now. One of the things that has interested me is the numerous possibilities for online publishing, selling, visibility, online sharing of images - I have been wading through these deciding what I like and don't like.One result of this has been a proliferation of test blog sites as I play around with E-blogger, only now I have found that wordpress is better...And so I will be moving everything across (hopefully by the end of this residency!) into one super site through wordpress, which will be the "cathrynjiggens.com" that currently doesn't lead anywhere...For now though here is another blog that I have done, a continuation of the dream diary I started earlier on this a-n site:I had brought with me a quantitiy of material (old diaries) which I had been meaning to do something with for some time and a good friend in Newcastle is currently wading through a massive box of the rest, extracting my dream diaries.For now though here is what I have put up so far...http://theroomisspaciousandbright.blogspot.com/As an ongoing project I think I would like to begin to add images to these texts.I am considering how these sites are in effect for me a surrogate 'studio' space, a digital studio:So just as getting old pictures, photos, material or whatever and sticking them up on the wall in a physical studio space helps motivate our creativity; I am finding in these sites a way to gather together (and release the 'energy' of) material that currently languishes unused in boxes under the bed.  Here are some other sites that I like and am currently experimenting with or have bookmarked for future reference:http://www.lulu.com/online publishinghttp://www.etsy.com/a place to buy and sell things handmade.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 an event Last night I was invited to speak at the "Culture Cafe" - an event established by local photographer Michael Harms. This is a series of artist talks accompanied by a meal, attended by people mostly local to the Stadthaus Museum.Michael asked me to suggest a meal and a theme. In keeping with my recent work, I enquired with the Chef Hans about food that used to be regularly eaten in Berlin, but that isn't now often served. Initially he suggested a tripe dish and schnitzel made from cows udder; however due to health and safety restrictions it was not possible to serve this (apparently a link with BSE) and the raw ingredients in any case were difficult to locate...He was able to come up with another dish "Panitertes Berliner Schnitzel" and a pudding "Arme Ritter" mit Vanillesauce. The pudding translates as "Poor Knight" and is a delicious eggy bread dipped in vanilla sauce that used to be a "poor mans pudding". It transpired also that he used to cook for the British Army and was very knowledgeable about British food (from the late 1970's I think though his age is hard to guess!) as a result Steak and Kidney Pie was added to the menu!During the evening I showed images and spoke about projects where I have uncovered 'forgotten archives' of material - I also showed some of my video work where I attempt to pluck and cook a duck, and recent drawings illustrating a previous hunting trip in Northumbria.I was worried how the audience would react to the work, being somewhat 'elderly' and the work being perhaps (I thought) in their eyes a little too 'contemporary'. However, in the discussions that followed I was very heartened by their engagement with the work and really enjoyed the evening.In particular, one lady said that all of the things I was talking about (unravelling knitwear; plucking birds and skinning animals) are things that she would regularly do when younger. About my video piece "Ducky" she said, "I imagined you were my daughter and as I watched it I wanted to teach you, to say here, this is how you do it, let me show you".I had considered attending some game preparation classes in Shropshire when I return to the UK; this process though of 'learning from an elder' could be an interesting development of the work to be remembered and followed up in London (as I am rapidly running out of time here).Another Gentleman told me he was born in 1927 - he said that as I showed 'museum objects' and looked at the dates on them (in particular a 1930's visitors book that I uncovered during a museum residency) he thought "Oh yes, I was 10 then and I was doing..."Another younger lady (his daughter) told me a really beautiful story about buying a spinning wheel off e-bay, buying raw wool off a farmer and how she then attempted to learn through books, blood, tears and intuition to clean the grease from the wool and spin it!I am not sure how long this process took her but by the end, she had a lovely (if slightly itchy and stiff!) pair of gloves from wool she had cleaned, spun and crocheted herself - and that the remaining grease was very effective at keeping the hands dry when making snowballs.The staff at the Stadthaus made a really colourful table display, I have learnt whilst here that several of the staff who assist with these events are on '1 euro' jobs (a initiative relating to unemployment) and the homely touches provided are by their initiative sometimes borrowed from home. I learnt later in the evening that the Chef Hans no longer worked at the museum, but had returned especially just to cook the meal. Jochen Ulander provided translation services and there was also great technical support (thanks Uwe).... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 Guido hunts wild boar 2Sat 16th September, 2007, 4am.I have much to complete before I leave here, especially regarding my folio and it's presentation to curators. I went out hunting the other day with Guido, when I got back I wrote down as much as I could remember about the experience. This is it below, uneditied - it may be some time before I can polish the writing but for now I wanted to share with you about the trip, and maybe anyway the 'rawness' of the writing is more appropriate to the experience.Cathryn. I leave at 3am, taking a taxi to Oranienbourg, getting there at 3.45am. The taxi driver is kind; he gets lost, tells me so, and turns his metre off so as not to over charge me. When I tell him that the man I am supposed to meet is due at 4am, he offers to sit there for 15minutes so that I can wait inside his cab. I decline and give him a tip, for giving me such a good start to a journey that I am a little nervous, but excited about. Guido arrives, I do not recognise him at first, he has a different vehicle to last time, a white van - I briefly remember that when I lived in a very rural part of the lake district, some of the forestry workers I knew seemed to have a different patched up vehicle each week, and briefly wondered if it is the same here. He is also wearing a boyish baseball cap, unlike the traditional looking green, (felt?) wide brimmed 'Stetson' style had he had on before (must find the proper name for this hat). We drive off in a tired and comfortable intimacy, journeying in the dark, that reminds me of the days when I used to hitchhike a lot - with radio lights playing, both driver and passenger, though strangers, content to sit close and quiet, aware of each others physical presence yet saying nothing. After a petrol stop we arrive after about 25 minutes at a woodland edge - Guido pauses and instructs me "Now we are at the hunting grounds, no noise, no slam doors - OK!" "Yes" I say as I remember with a cringe how I slammed the door chatting away on our last trip. We drive along a very bumpy track, a tunnel of dim lights on the trees ahead (is he driving only on side lights?) - it is windy and the trees do that thing where the branches across our path look like thousands of hands straining to grab us as they thwack on the window screen. Not for the first time (it is our culture to do this) I am reminded of films - The Blair Witch Project; something too about zombies, and murders in the woods - was it the chainsaw massacre? The images recede as I think to myself "must stay present and alert, notice things, look, study, watch…" We stop, I hear but cannot see him getting out, I await a torchlight flashing on. When one does not come I get out too - is it really this dark? I cannot see anything - NOTHING - when is he going to switch the torch on? "Psst, Cathryn" I hear in the distance, I belatedly understand that there is going to be no torch, I briefly wonder if I am up to this, if I haven't just made a terrible, terrible mistake. I move forward, luckily Guido is wearing white trousers (pale jeans) and fleetingly every now and then I see a ghost like shadow, a white spectre, fleeting and low to the ground. This is all I have; this is all I can see - I think later that Guido's sight is quite simply different to mine. I wonder how this happens - are our eyes like a muscle? Do they improve through use? Deteriorate through lack of use…? I move onwards following these brief white vaporous apparitions, each is only a glimpse seconds apart and I wonder if I am following the shadows of my imagination? Am I simply wandering off into the woods in the wrong direction? Am I about to fall into a ditch? Why can I not hear Guido? He is so quiet. Eventually my eyes begin to adjust and I can just about see that he is still ahead. I look inside myself and see that I am not scared - I think to myself "I should probably feel more fear than this" but I do not. I feel only trust and the desire to keep following the path that I have set myself. We come out into the open and ahead I see our destination - a hut on stilts near a tree. I follow Guido up a narrow near vertical wooden ladder into the 'tree-house' affair. Once again I notice all thoughts of falling of the ladder - which I can hardly see and have to find each step through feeling with my feet - that in other circumstances I am sure I would have, are suspended as I move quietly ahead. We climb in and sit. Silent.I will notice later on that we are on a garden style bench, for now I only notice that it has a cushion on and it is quite comfy as I sit down - cosy even. As the light grows I will notice the soft dappled green carpet, quite practically used on the walls to stop the wind blowing through (and green so it doesn't stand out) however it's impression is somewhat decorative, domestic, feminine. Along too with some beautifully woven 'spade' like shapes pinned to the ceiling - Guido tells me later that these are made by a hunter when they go to hunting school, they are made from 4 kinds of tree, and it is a tradition on their first kill, that it is pinned in the hut. We sit for some time in silence awaiting the dawn (Guido says once "it is too dark") - quiet that is until I decide to take my camera out. Why oh why did I not remember this from last time! I should have had it out ready! I should have NO bag with me and only the camera! I curse myself as Velcro RIPS and plastic bags and zips do the sounds that they do… "What is that?" he asks "My camera, I am getting it out - is it too noisy?" "Better that you do it now than later" comes the reply of an adult being patient with an impossible child. He had told me in the car that he only had 2 hours sleep that night as he was working late in his restaurant. Additionally, later today starting 10.30am working till maybe midnight, he has a party of 110 wedding guests to cater for, including all 3 meals that they need throughout the day (not just the evening meal). He falls asleep. He looks so lovely, so peaceful, like a child, that I could hug him. It grows light slowly; I sit looking inwards as much as outwards. I feel supremely at peace, it is so beautiful doing this, this sitting, watching, waiting - the light seeping in through the night-time sky. I wonder to myself - how would it feel if we weren't here hunting? If we were just doing this, sitting and watching? I realise as I did on the last hunt with a shock that I enjoy the frisson, that it wouldn't be the same if I were just there watching with no purpose in mind. These feeling once again shock me. I am surprised to find myself, theoretically at least (as we have not shot anything yet) enjoying the hunt. It looks light enough to use my camera, I try but my screen is blank (Guido is still sleeping peacefully). I start to panic about things, silly things. There is nothing on the screen of my camera yet I can now clearly see the landscape in front of me. I check half a dozen times or so to make sure I have taken the lens cap off, yes there is no lens cap (though there might be a dozen sticky finger prints now on my lens where I have mauled it in the place where I was convinced that the lens cap was…). I start to panic about more silly things. I imagine having come all of this way and having to go home without any footage. I imagine the embarrassment of having to say to Guido "I think my camera's broken", I wonder is there a way I can make this a successful trip and NOT take any footage? Then I think "NO" I am here for a reason. I curse myself then for not knowing my equipment better, for... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 (16th September 2007 post continued)I curse myself then for not knowing my equipment better, for though it is light enough to see clearly outside through the hunting slits, inside it is still very dark. I imagine I must have something incorrectly set ("perhaps I have the manual light metre on and have it set too low...perhaps, perhaps"). This carries on for some time as my fears spiral out of control until I realise that I am panicking. "Ok, this is panic" - I name it.So I slow my breathing and think - and remember that I have my small stills camera with me. I open this (more impossibly loud Velcro noises…) and turn it on (even the mechanism, it is so loud!) and - once again the screen is blank as if there were a lens cap on (only this camera has no lens cap to forget). They can’t both be broken. I look out and realise that actually it is still much darker than I think, but that my eyes have grown accustomed to the dim light. The way I am blinded by even just the blank LED screens on my cameras confirms this hypothesis, so I turn all equipment off and relax.Half an hour or so after my panic I see that it probably really IS light enough now to film and turning my camera on confirms this. Again as I am filming I do as much looking within as 'without'. I enjoy the framing, the seeking out of details with my lens - the shape of the gun, the camouflage flapping in the wind, the shapes in between the trees.I notice within me a lack of 'belief' saying already "I don't think we will catch anything today". I think once of again of what I have learnt - that Guido hunts several times a week all year, making only a few catches in the year. I think of the confidence needed with those odds to get up and out by 4am after a long shift in his restaurant, knowing he has another to do the next day too.Not for the first time I think that there is many parallels between this, and the kind of love and faith I see in artists undertaking their practice. This returns me to my own current lack of faith - in both the hunt today and often in my own practice - I notice the thoughts whispering in the silence "we won't catch anything today, there is nothing in sight, not a whisper of an animal, I have scared them all off with my noise" etc etc. I think that perhaps I have come all of this way simply to confront something lurking deep within myself, something that is not helping me in my work.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 (16th September post 2007 continued)I try to imagine the opposite, believing today that we WILL shoot something, but this feels wrong too - strained - and I realise the trick is to learn to simply be with WHAT IS, and to rest in that present moment, with a gentle undercurrent closer to faith and trust than belief or hope.We have sat in near silence for well over an hour (maybe two?), it is now light and I am really enjoying shooting the footage] - the details, the scenery, the changing light, flashes of Guido (though it is hard to film him, sat close next to each other, knees touching as we are).It is impossible to film him from these close quarters, and yet if I were to get up and stand at the door, which would be the only place I could get enough distance to frame him, I would disturb his hunt. So I content myself with the little glimpses of him I can catch in my camera. I notice also not for the first time that he is a very beautiful man. Peculiarly German pale grey blue eyes, very masculine in his physical presence and way, but with a soft, even slightly feminine face and wavy mid brown soft hair - a kind of sexy angelic androgyny.Through my camera I get lost again for a while in a 'cinematic' version of the reality that is unfolding around me. I realise this is so when Guido alerts me to the presence of a "Bambi" nearby and picks up his gun. I suddenly am aware just how unprepared I am for the actually of an animal killed before my eyes - for the reality of a dead Bambi - and as in my last trip with Guido, the part of me that was vegetarian for 15 years contemplates making an 'accidental' noise to alert Bambi to the danger…I contain this response however; as I remember that I am here for a reason, I have chosen to confront this issue head on. The surface ripples say "stop it, don't let it happen" but the underlying current that runs deeper and much, much more strongly freezes me to the spot saying "no, watch this, you need to see this".Not for the first time I see that whilst I can make lots of 'logical' explanations as to what brought me to this juncture - my oft repeated story of "15 years a vegetarian starts eating meat, who always said to herself I would never eat meat again unless I could kill the animal myself well here I am following that up, want also to explore things we are disconnecting from in the city through supermarkets and packaging" etc etc etc - I realise that this is all a front - that there is actually something else compelling me to be here, something that I have not quite grasped yet… ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 (16th September post 2007 continued)Bambi hovers some distance away, then moves on with no assistance from me whatsoever. I am both relieved and disappointed.We sit for a while longer then leave. I can't believe that we have been there for perhaps 3 hours or so. We go for a coffee, meet some of his friends who have made two kills and Guido asks if I want to visit the refrigeration unit to see the catch. I say yes, suddenly guilty for my fleeting desire to spoil this mans hunt, who has been so open and generous in allowing me this access to what he does, when I am sure he has no real idea what I am doing and finds me a bit of an enigma - but still he says yes anyway. I have taken him a bottle of what I think is whisky for this trip, but he has asked for no payment. I think to myself that if I go out with him one more time I must get him a bigger bottle of better whisky, and I realise how much I want to develop some really excellent new work around this footage, how I would love to be able to then give a piece of this work back to him…We go to a private house and in the refrigerator see 4 dead wild boars, hanging for the meat to tenderise. His friends turn up with one more wild boar and what looks like a deer, though I think it may not be (must try to identify what it is) because Guido doesn't call this one Bambi, he has another name for it, which he cannot translate.His friends are jovial as they wash and hang the catch in the fridge. I find that I really like them, 4 men total. They shake hands with me and introduce themselves, we can talk little owing to my lack of German (I was so lucky with Guido to find perhaps the only hunter in the whole of east Berlin who speaks some English; I had been warned this would not be possible as the second language amongst most older east Germans is Russian and definitely not English owing to the history)…They all shake hands with me and although I cannot talk with them, I am on the one hand pleasantly 'ignored' in the sense that they take no notice of my filming various parts of their activity. On the other hand I am included very often in their activity with a warm smile, a glance or a wink and I feel very grateful for the warmth and generosity that allows me to be here seeing this. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052 (16th September post 2007 continued)I suspect that if I could talk with these men, in discussion there might be many, many things in our worldview that we disagree on. The joy though in a way of NOT being able to get caught up in these differences is that I see more clearly to they're 'being ness' and find that I really like them. They are warm, kind, genuine people - very at odds with the stereotypical hunter I have imagined in the past.I stand and watch some red squirrels playing on the lawn, we are in the grounds of a wealthy estate. Guido guides me as to what I can and cannot film as the grounds belong to "a man who is not here" so out of respect for his privacy he instructs me when to film and when not.There are beautiful flowerbeds, ornamental trees, and lots of rose hips fat and juicy and Guido and me discuss making jam.Later that weekend I meet a girlfriend whose mother was German. I tell her about my trip and she says yes she has seen this in her family, a strange mixture of masculine and feminine attributes - very masculine men who weave or make quite feminine things and don't feel threatened by that.I remember too hearing once that it is quite traditional and normal for men in Norway knit. I think after all perhaps these things seeming masculine and feminine to us is to do with being British? That there is a different way that 'gender' operates on an everyday relation between the sexes level, in a European context.My friend says "it would be great to meet a female hunter and see how she does thing differently / the same" - I think briefly of Guido's mom - he told me that she used to hunt. I would so love to meet her, but I have worked so very hard just to get this far with him, building up trust, and I suspect I would be pushing the boundaries too far to ask to meet his mother too.I reply back to my friend - "yes, well maybe that could be me?" as I remember that I have seen a course in game keeping in the UK that I could do, and I remember that for a while I used to work in forestry. In the early 90's I worked in the lake district as a conservation volunteer with the BTCV; through that I gained my advance chainsaw certificate and did all sorts of things I would never have imagined myself doing before…And so the making of this work continues. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/384052