http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 Time Lapse Pregnancy Tue, 07 Oct 2008 15:07:39 +0100 a-n rss generator a-n The Artists Information Company and contributors edit@a-n.co.uk technical@a-n.co.uk http://sites.a-n.co.uk/img/logo.gif http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 Mothering SundayIt's exactly 9 months since Neve was born, a fitting start for my blog. I'm beginning a new project with the photographs I took during my pregnancy. They've been waiting to be put into Final Cut Pro to make a time lapse. I haven't yet found the time to do that, but I'll have more time now that Granny will look after Neve every Monday. Agnes (my friend, Doula, mother, NCT teacher) has some contacts for me at the Royal Sussex hospital. I want to show the Time Lapse on the Maternity Ward. It seems appropriate since women don't have much to look at after they've given birth in hospital. I remember looking at the ceramic hand and foot prints thinking there is only stuff about babies here, nothing about pregnancy. We need to be able to celebrate what we go through as new mothers. We go through nine beautiful months of pregnancy, then childbirth and then we have this little person.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 Celebrating my memories of my pregnancy is central to this project. It now seems so far away that I forget lots of things about it. I forget just what an enjoyable time it was, I forget how alive I felt, swimming in the sea through the winter, enjoying feeling the life wriggle inside me. It sounds cheesy now, but it was important to be in touch with that tiny person growing inside me. I'm so glad I took such alot of photos of my growing belly. I want to look through them but I can't find them at the moment. They're buried in some file somewhere. I'm going to join Agnes' group of teenage mums a week on friday. I'm looking forward to meeting them and seeing their pregnant bellies!I'm not sure whether to take photos of my pregnancy with me. I don't wish to bombard them with too much visual information on my first visit. It maybe more important to simply meet and get to know them. I guess they will all be excited to see a baby, I need not worry about much else. I'm excited to meet them too. There is such alot of potential in working with them. I want to get them taking photos of their bellies. We could borrow some digital cameras and get going soon. But I do need to sort out some funding before I put too many hours in.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 It's been over a week since I last wrote. I'd decided to try for weekly postings. However Neve has been ill with a cold this week so everything ground to a halt. I feel so far from being an artist at the moment. I read other blogs and think I'm hanging on by tiny threads. Today I meet  Agnes' teenage mums and dads. I've tried not to get stressed about it, I came up with a simple idea to outline their pregnant bodies. Then to use this as a focal point to discuss what they feel on the outside and what is going on for them on the inside. Dad's will do the outlining to get them involved. I also selected a few photos I'd taken of my pregnant body as an attempt to inspire them to celebrate their transformations. Although I discussed this with artist friends who think perhaps I'd intimidate them. I'll leave it open to my own intuition. I'm writing as Neve slowly dismantles my shelf of diaries. It feels ironic that she opens and plays with what I performed with whilst carrying her inside me.I'm writing this blog for me. This morning it has replaced my morning pages. However it feels very different from writing in a soft book by the window. There is a sense of writing for an audience. An sense of 'people out there'. This is restricting my writing for fear of rambling on about myself. I'm not normally short of words to write I think I'm going through an awkward shedding of a skin.  It reminds me of the story of Inanna hanging from a hook. I'm not yet off the hook that from giving birth. I still hang in suspension searching for my identity. I'll post a photo of my performance to remind me that I have a creative vision. I'm not resigned to baby carrying and talking forever. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 I'm here in the afternoon whilst Neve has a snooze. I've been close to giving up on this blog, but then I got an email from Andrew Bryant about being featured on the home page and it lifted my spirits. By knowing at least one person had read my blog it validated it.It's hard work being a mother, I always suspected it was, but didn't anticipate quite how all consuming it would be. My brain has turned to jelly, all my postnatal creative energies have dissolved.I'm interested in life and art and the cross over between the two. I watched my performance yesterday. I'm going to write a quote from my journal written at that time...'Life is so much more important than art. Yet we need art, to remember life, to be aware and notice what living is. I can't distinguish between whether I'm writing this for 'art' or because i want it for 'life'. I imagine reading it out so it becomes art. But I could just as well leave it as my own secrets, for me , not for anyone else. Sharing is fun, that's why I make art, because I like to discuss ideas".... so back to the teenage mums. I did the workshop, or activity. None of them wanted to lie down on the floor. I'd forgotten that they are teenagers and adverse to anything requiring effort, especially whilst heavily pregnant. One of them lay down for me and I drew around her. I asked questions about how they felt on the inside, they responded with 'butterflies' 'scared' one of the dads said 'I worry about her being ill'. He hadn't talked all afternoon so that was refreshing. Neve meanwhile managed to find her way into my bag and dig out an orange that she heartily bit into and enjoyed a mouthful of pith! I find it hard to see anything worthwhile as an outcome of that activity. The product was certainly disappointing but it isn't about that anyway. I also showed them the naked time lapse of my growing belly. One dad sank back and cringed behind his black locks of hair. The other was more forward and curious about how my belly grew and then retracted because the movie was on a loop.I don't know where to go from here. I need to arrange a meeting with someone at the maternity ward and show them my time lapse piece.  ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 Yesterday I had a glimpse at the creative energy I used to get where nothing else matters except the here and now. I was able to write a stream of consciousness that connected from head to hand to page effortlessly. This flow of energy is rare these days. I long for time alone, then when I have it I feel a rising panic as to how to make use of it. I invariably end up with a sense of wasting 'precious' time.Today, for instance, is my Monday off when Granny comes. I'm finding it hard to settle down and concentrate. It's partly a problem of space, we're so cramped in this flat. Every part of my life has been thrown into question recently. Here, on this blog,  I hang on to a tiny part of myself as an artist. It shouldn't really matter what I write but I am aware that I'm afraid of becoming entirely self absorbed and self reflective. Sara lent me a book called 'Pictures in Pregnancy' that examines the social context of how we view the pregnant body. The photos of the women are joyful in the way they present their big bellies to the camera. I look back on those months with fondness, I loved the hope my round body gave me. I felt sexy. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 I'm writing on a Sunday and Nick and Neve are bopping around the house to Gorgol Bordello. I'm feeling so much better, I've emerged from a dark post-natal time.  I only know now I'm happier because I feel more myself again. It's a real relief. everything is changing and my project is beginning to emerge. I met the teenagers again on Friday. I'm going to make a breast feeding video to help them understand the pros and cons. I love breast feeding so that helps alot. I've got various numbers so I can contact them indivdually and film them feeding their babies.It's snowing! It's gorgeous, tumbling down in a billowing mass. I want to put more photos of me naked and pregnant on here. It was such a special time I need to keep celebrating it. In fact I'll look for one now.I've had quite a few leads for the next stage of this project so it is getting very exciting.   ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 It's a gorgeous sunny spring day. We cycled the low tide bike ride along the mud flats of Brighton beach, then had a naked swim at the end! It's set me up for day. Plus Granny is here so I have some precious time to myself!Alot has happened to progress my project over the last few weeks. It's hard not to be overwhelmed. It's all good though. I have the phone numbers of pregnant teenagers to ring in order to film them breast feeding after they have given birth. This is so exciting.  I must do that today, phone at least one of them. The project needs to move rapidly due to funding deadlines. I've been bought in at the last minute to help Agnes out. I'm looking forward to it, it's not a hard project because everything is already set up. All I need to do is a bit of co-ordination to work with these young women. There is even an IT man available as well, so I need not worry too much about the techie side either. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 We're off on holiday this weekend to Chipping Norton so I thought I'd write before we go. I've started to get much more focussed with my art. I think the years of writing morning pages is starting to pay off. Yesterday I met a young mum for lunch and a talk about how we will proceed with the breast feeding video. She's extremely intelligent, really on the case. I have a firm belief that she can take on the role of organising the teenagers. This is exactly what I need. It means my role is clearer, I'm more a project co-ordinator and director than actual film maker. This is necessary since the young people need to do the filming and editing themselves. It's a thrilling feeling for me because this makes my job easier. I still have to do alot of co-ordination and organisation in order to get the filming underway but there's less of the hard work that film making often involves.  I will interview Karnie on video next week and a couple of other young and/or pregnant mums. Karnie is going to design the questions for me which is brilliant too. The pregnant mums will then have control over what is being asked of them.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 It's been too long, in the 5 weeks that have elapsed since I wrote, everything has changed. I've taken a nose dive into no longer feeling confident in my abilities as both mother and artist. I've rejected the video, it became technically overwhelming and information led in a way that felt suddenly unmanageable. I've been obscenely measuring myself against others, in every way possible, starting with other mothers. I somehow need to claw my way out of this hole... ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 Hooray I'm here again and I can feel a glimmer of my creative self surfacing. I'm now acknowledging that I've been going through some form of post-natal depression... there I said it! It feels like I'm a failure to admit it, but this is where I'm at so I have to come to terms with it somehow. This morning was the first morning in a long time that I've actually wanted to get up and do something. I even had an art idea whilst breast feeding Neve at 5.30am. I want to film her hand clutching at my other breast as she feeds. It's such an intimate, sensual action, but it can also be rough and hurt. It's accompanied with a hum which is both annoying and amusing at the same time! I'll try to remember to leave my camera by the bed so I can film her tomorrow morning.I'm handing the teenage mum project over to Vicky. She asked if I wanted to still be involved, with her support this time. At the time I cringed and said no, but today I'm wondering... if we devised the questions together, and then both filmed some of the mums. It's the editing that puzzles me. I'm not a documentary maker. Perhaps I could get some advice, maybe I should talk to my cousin Martie. I think this is the key, I'm an artist, I've never made documentaries, I'm not sure what is holding the video together. It needs some kind of direction other than a few questions. I need to have a starting point, other than 'lets film some mums talking about breast-feeding'. I might ask around and then decide if I want to work on it, nothing's been done since I gave it up, so there's no harm in toying with the idea.I discovered some more photos from my pregnancy so I might just have a little look for them now. There's one where my belly looks like a big pudding! ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 Wow this week has been incredible. I suddenly feel such a lot better. I've been seeing a homeopath which seems to be working. I threw up the other night, quite spontaeously, I'm not someone who has a weak stomach so this was a shock. Anyway I think its my body adjusting to the life change, once my belly was empty I felt better. Then Neve threw up all over the floor. Luckily I was out so Nick had to clear it up! So where do I start? The breast feeding project is back on. I visited Vicky and she's going to help me. This is what I needed, some support, in order to decide who does what role, so I don't take the whole thing on. I don't want to make myself ill again. I'm confident that it'll work this time. Vicky lives round the corner so we'll be able to keep in contact regularly. Plus she's got a nice house and gives me (and Neve) flapjacks so that helps too!I've been getting up early again. It's been fantastic, seeing the early morning sun and enjoying those silent hours when everyone else is still asleep. I feel my old self returning. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 Another early rise. It's 6am the sun looks gorgeous, I love the early mornings. Alot is happening at the moment, my life is transforming, I can feel the shift, it's quite incredible. I've started writing my morning pages again, and it really helps. I've been doing it for so long now its like automatic writing, I don't even need to think about the next sentence.I had an unexpected meeting last night with Vicky and Agnes. There's something magical about those two, they are full of the joys of life. I find their company both relaxing and stimulating at the same time. The breast feeding video is happening. However it needs to happen fast because of funding deadlines with Children in Need. This is what's challenging. It will help to have someone famous promoting breast-feeding. Does anyone know anyone famous who breast fed and might be interested in educating teen mums. I know Tracey Emin has an exhibition about teen mums going on in Folkestone at the moment. I wonder if she could help? The difficulty is we need the interview as soon as possible. The funding requires us to finish the breast feeding video first in order to move on to a far more exciting video documenting labour. This video will provide information to young mums and midwives about the experience of giving birth.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 Ok I'm really angry, to be honest I'm furious, I've made some discoveries that are shocking and I even fear writing them down here. I fear writing because I know many people will be effected and it could have far reaching impications on the world. My family are medical, I grew up in with surgeons and doctors and I had to make alot of decions in my life that did not corrolate with the medical establishment. Now I've discovered ways of dealing with my own health and the health of my daughter I feel able to express my anger at the medical establishment. The medical establishment has basically sold us a lie, that lie is vaccinations. I no longer care if anyone disagrees because I now understand it to be the truth. It is the truth because of my own experences as a child growing up and now as an adult. In fact is is what has driven my artistic practice throughout my life. I am deaf in one ear, I had mumps as a child. My mum gave birth to three babies that died. My step mother had a cot-death. These are real facts that happened in my life. I have been seeking out ways of expressing them threw art, this has been getting increasingly difficult until I had my daughter. She has freed a creative expression in me that I did not know was possible. I feel able to make a lot more work and ideas are piling up in my mind.My homeopath is helping, this is the reason for my transformation, this is why I have the strength to write this here. I've taken my daughter to the homeopath too because she was given immunisations. I was terrified for her, I had a severe attack of anxiety in August which has led me to where I am now. I no longer want children to suffer, there is too much pain in the world already without having to inflict more upon our children. We need to look after them and not inject them with diseases which actually in the end could kill them. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 Ok I'm really angry, to be honest I'm fucking furious, I've made some discoveries that are shocking and I even fear writing them down here. I fear writing because I know many people will be effected and it could have far reaching impications on the world. My family are medical, I grew up in with surgeons and doctors and I had to make alot of decisions in my life that did not corrolate with the medical establishment. Now I've discovered ways of dealing with my own health and the health of my daughter I feel able to express my anger at the medical establishment. The medical establishment has basically sold us a lie, that lie is vaccinations. I no longer care if anyone disagrees because I now understand it to be the truth. It is the truth because of my own experiences as a child growing up and now as an adult. In fact it is what has driven my artistic practice throughout my life. I am deaf in one ear, I had mumps as a child. My mum gave birth to three babies that died. My step mother had a cot-death. These are real facts that happened in my life. I have been seeking out ways of expressing them using art, this has been getting increasingly difficult until I gave birth. My daughter has freed a creative expression in me that I did not know was possible. I feel able to make art and ideas are beginning to build up in my mind.My homeopath is helping, this is the reason for my transformation, this is why I have the strength to write this here. I've taken my daughter to the homeopath too because I gave her immunisations. I was terrified for her, terrified she would die of a cot-death and I had a severe attack of anxiety in August which has led me to where I am now. I no longer want children to suffer, there is too much pain in the world already without having to inflict more upon our children. We need to look after them and not inject them with diseases which actually in the end could kill them. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 I'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYVVVVVVVI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYI'M STILL ANGRY, ANGRY ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRY,ANGRYY ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 MY SISTER IS PREGNANT WITH TWINS - THANK GOD! ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 Ok I've calmed down abit, I'm tired and need to get some rest. I don't know if I'll be writing for a while as I'm going on holiday to France. I need to take a break. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 No Janet still doesn't agree with my about vaccines but I'll have to work on her abit longer. Not sure how that's going to happen. There's no way Neve is having vaccinations. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 No Janet still doesn't agree with my about vaccines but I'll have to work on her abit longer. Not sure how that's going to happen there. There's no way Neve is having vaccinations. I've got to put my foot down on that one. It's scarey how people are indoctrinated with this bullshit. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 Hello. I'm back, not from France, but from hospital, Mental Hospital in fact. I'm ok. It's been crazy since I last wrote. I want to write the facts down here so I'm clear. I had a panic attack in the middle of the night, screamed and ran out of the house naked holding my daughter. My partner didn't know where I'd gone so he rang the emergency services. I, in the mean time, had asked a passer-by for help. An ambulance arrived and I was in a state of panic, and thought I was going to have one of my breasts cut off. My friend who happened to be passing came into the ambulance to comfort me. However she didn't travel with me, so I paniced more about where I was I going? My partner took my baby home. I assumed I was being taken to hospital when in fact I arrived at a police station. I stood, in my red dressing gown, in front of a huge desk looking up at the police sargeant and thought 'I must have done something wrong, why am I here?' I assumed they would look me up on the internet realise that I am an artist and set me free. But no instead I was banged up in a police cell for 24 hours. Anyone who has had to cope with being in a cell when all you want is a friend and some comforting words will understand that this is the last thing I needed. The door was locked I had no human contact apart from through an intercom on the wall. It was terrifying. I tried to keep myself sane by singing and dancing. The police were probably watching and thinking I was psychotic. I was imprisoned, of course I was bloody scared. I thought, I'll enjoy the accostics whilst I'm here. So I screamed/sang as loud as I possibly could and imagined I was part of an art performance performing for a dead friend. My meals were passed through the hatch, a nasty school dinner style sausage and beans. The woman who posted it though called me 'love'. I spoke to my mum on the intercom, but got confused and thought I was in Holloaway when in actual fact I was in Hollingbury. I spoke to my partner and didn't understand why he couldn't come and get me. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 I found out later that my partner wasn't allowed to visit because I was imprisoned near hardened criminals. Does this make me a criminal I asked myself.  I finally got a visit from a doctor and some other social worker type people. I was shaking in the blue police pjs I was dressed in. 'I just want to see my daughter' I cried. They made they're diagnosis and  I was put back in the cell for god only knows how much longer. I could see the light through the frosted window panes, am I going to be here till it gets dark again I thought to myself. I tried to sleep under the blanket I was given, I tried to do breathing exercises to keep myself calm. I also imagined a Physiotherapist friend helping me to lie down correctly.  It was evening by the time I got to walk out of the holding station, handcuffed (for my own safety?!) and taken in an ambulance to a psychiatric ward. There I told a psychiatrist my life story! My dad and partner arrived. Then at last I got some sleep with the medication I was on before. ... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 I'm relieved to say that my post natal depression has finally shifted. I'm home from hospital now. The hospital was a tremendous help to me. I did alot of art, mostly chalk drawings and using rubber stamps and colouring pencils. The hospital is having an exhibition of work by the inpatients this month. I'm looking forward to seeing all the work. I've learnt alot from my third stay on a psychiatric ward. I want to be an Occupational Therapist now. I'm still going to carry on making art, but I need to pace myself.Neve is well, she enjoyed the time with her daddy whilst I was in hospital. She's walking now and it's such a joy to watch.  I'm going to continue with the work with teenage mums, but I'm going to take role of creative director rather than taking on all the editing and producing.... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136 This poem sprang to mind when I was doing shoulder stand whilst I was pregnant: The Buddha in the WombBobbing in the waters of the womb,little godhead, ten toes, ten fingers& infinite hope,sails upside down through the world.My bones, I know, are only a cagefor death.Meditating, I can see my skull,a death's head,lit from withinby candleswhich are possibly the sunsof other galaxies.I know that deathis a movement toward light,a happy dreamfrom which you are loath to awaken,a lover leftin a countryto which you have no visa,& I know that the horses of the spiritare galloping, galloping, gallopingout of time& into the moment called NOW.Why then do I carefor this upside-down Buddhabobbling through the world,his toes, his fingersalive with bloodthat will only sing & die.There is a light in my skull& a light in his.We meditate on our bones onlyto let them blow awaywith fewer regrets.Flesh is merely a lesson.We learn it& pass on.© Erica Mann Jong... Thu, 01 Jan 1970 01:00:00 +0100 http://sites.a-n.co.uk/artists_talking/projects/single/415136