ARTISTS TALKING

# 29 [22 November 2007]

In 1990 (or possibly 1989) we had a ‘professional development’ session at college. We had to imagine our perfect day.  I was reminded of my perfect day this afternoon as I walked along Hastings’ seafront. I remember that my perfect day took place in a (unnamed) town on the coast. After breakfast over looking the sea, I stroll along the promenade on the way to my to a day at the studio. I stop at a health food shop to get something for lunch and at the florist for flowers.
I grew up a few miles inland from Southend on Sea. I was an unathletic overweight child with a fantasy that if I lived near the seafront I’d run along it every day.
Could I live here?
Would it be my perfect day?

I really like out of season seaside towns. Perhaps it was the time I spent on the seafront during my Foundation Course at Southend Tech. Perhaps I have a tendency towards the melancholy.

I feel comfortable here.

I’m staying in my bosses place – a major major perk of my part-time work in the design/gift shop. Although there’s a smart living room upstairs I’m sitting the basement kitchen. It reminds me of some of the student accommodation friends and I had in Totnes. The kitchen is dug into a steep hillside and it is therefore quite damp and musky – I wonder if it’s this that most evokes the cheap holiday-lets we rented before the tourists arrived in the south Hams.

I have to remember that the life I’m leading in London is far from normal. John has needed care of nearly four years now - since his broken ankle in January 2004. By the time the plaster came off he was limping, stumbling and falling as the result of the MND. Everyone says I’m wonderful for staying with him, especially as we only got together the year before. I’m not sure I’m so wonderful, I feel as though I never had a choice but perhaps that’s just melancholy ….

# 28 [19 November 2007]

Finished the 6.5 inch embroidery and it's looks wrong, a bit pathetic, a bit weak - size does matter! It looks lost on the 14 inch square handkerchief.

 The trouble is that I want every aspect of my artwork to be significant. Some significant number just aren't aesthetically 'right' though. Do I give up on the entire piece or allow myself an aesthetic judgement rather than a logical one? Being able to justify all the components of a piece is important to me, but maybe it's not always important for the artwork itself.

I've decided that I'll include some considerably older pieces when I get my photographed (a new year project). Having poor or no photographs of pieces that I like or that are significant developments is bad for my confidence, and has made talking about my practice a little awkward.

Old artwork to photograph:

sewn up suit

Camp - tent structure

Exchange - large patchworsilk plane

Also need to scan some older slides/prints.

Standing Room Guide

I want to be able to offer at least one good image for each of the pieces I've shown in the last 10 years. How I can I expect other people to take me seriously if I don't take myself seriously ...

# 27 [14 November 2007]

I'm questioning what my practice is and what I want it to be. I think I might be putting the cart before the horse.

The studio has become a refuge from all the anxiety about John. Since spending more (regular) time there I've really enjoy the 'making' and want to spend time developing that. I want to immerse myself in making without thinking about relevance, theme, appropriateness...

At the moment I'm embroidering more handkerchiefs. This time with gold thread. I'm playing with the diameter of the circle I'm sewing - the current one is 6.5 inches. Does it matter where this measurement comes from?

Today I'm using my sculpure skills to fix a crack in the bottom of my bath - needs must! I'm tempted to cover the whole thing in resin and fibre-glass. Must remember that it's not an artwork - well, not yet ...

# 26 [12 November 2007]

I'm finding the idea of working with an established gallery more and more appealing. Not least because of the number or emails, meetings, conversations, and false starts seemingly inherent with artist led/alternative venue shows.

The fantasy goes like this - I agree the dates of a show in the coming 12-18 months. I make the work. I send a picture or two and my mailing list for the invitation. I deliver and perhaps even install the work. I arrive in the late afternoon. I enjoy the opening night. Three weeks later the show closes. I return and collect my work.

Right now I just need things to be simple. And they're not. Perhaps I'm not as comitted to 'process' as I thought I was. Maybe I just don't have the energy for collaboration at the moment.

I'm really pleased to be getting re-acquainted with Marcia Farquhar. Saw her 12 Shooters last week. It was a brilliant way to catch-up with 10 years worth of performances. Mind you I found it a bit intimidating to be invited to a retrospective of someone I consider a peer...

# 25 [5 November 2007]

I've applied for funding to document recent work. The digital images I have aren't very good and as my practice has become more studio based the artworks seem to be harder for me to photograph well.

The funding would be allow me to hire a professional photographer and a studio. I'm inclined to have 35mm slides and medium format transparencies which can be scanned rather than asking for digital images from the start. I understand film and SLR cameras, technology leaves me a bit cold (perhaps that's why it doesn't work for me - see, there I go investing it with some kind of spirit that it so obvioulsy doesn't possess).

I like being able to hold a slide in my hand, I like writing the label and putting it in my slide index draw.

Whether I get the funding or not I need to spend some time and energy getting good quality pictures of my work. I phoned a couple of photographers listed in the back of a-n and hope that I'll be able to use one of them.

My work isn't easy to photograph and perhaps I'm too attached to it to see what needs to be focussed on. The main thing is to be in a studio with good lighting and good walls - two things missing from mine.

Last week the landlord came around 'just to see how we're doing'. The conversion of old depository building in front of our block is almost complete - live/work studios will be nearly £300k. The visible bits of our block have had a lick of paint and it all looks very smart - victorian coachlights around the new brick parquet courtyard. We used to all be 1a Chestnut Road, now we're being re-named Harry Day Mews and we'll all get street numbers. I wonder how much longer we have at the studio ....

# 24 [29 October 2007]

It was my neice's 1st birthday this weekend. There have been a couple of occasions in the past year - and perhaps even a few months before that - when I've found myself thinking that now I'm an uncle I'd better get on with being an artist.

The first time this thought came to me I was on my way home one evening. Having never wanted children myself I'd never really thought about how a child would describe what I do. All of a sudden and for no obvious reason I imagine Esme being at school and talking about her family; mum's a writer and editor, dad writes computer programmes, my uncle says he's an artist but he works in a shop a lot of the time ....

And there it was. I say I'm an artist but is that how she'll see me? And why does it matter? Does it matter? I don't really like to admit it but it does matter. It matters more than the rest of my family, my friends even other artists. I want to be successful for her, I want her to be proud of her uncle.

So I reckon I've got about another five or six years ... The first one hasn't gone too badly - I've done more in the past twelve months than I have in the last couple of years.

As a single artist (that's how I see myself even when I've got a partner) I got good at living within my means. So long as I was making art I was content - I never really got that bothered about exhibitions (though perhaps that was something I said to make the frequent rejections less painful). That's changed. Not only do I want shows, I want good ones! I want to be taken seriously as an artist so I better take myself seriously.

Deep down I know that this isn't really about Esme - but she's a great totem. Does it really matter if I use her as a bit of a 'signifier'? As I wrote that I realise that is exactly what is she is - a signifier of a future generation! My ambition now seems considerably more arrogant - I want to be signficant to future generations! I think that this might be a good time to end this post ....

# 23 [23 October 2007]

Jodi (my studio-mate) and I getting competitive! In a healthy way, a health that in no small way comes from our practices being so different. I'll explain; we're getting competitive about the amount we're each doing to develop our own practice. What's great is that we're not in competition with each other as it's unlikely that we're interested in the same opportunities. Recently we did apply for the same residency and I'm pretty confident that the selector's decision wouldn't have been between the two of us (maybe I'm wrong). As it is neither of us has heard back so we're both assuming we were unsuccessful this year.

A few of us from Crystal Palace Artists got together last week to start some peer mentoring. Linda Duffy got us together after having met with each of us and noticing similarities in intention if not medium. I'm hoping that it will be a space for us to discuss work and ideas.

When I down-loaded pictures from Frieze I found the last few I'd taken of Bed, live work. It was strange to find them like that. They were taken at a bad time (personally and professionally!) and perhaps I was deliberately leaving them for a while. The piece was supposed to disappear 'naturally' over a period of time - I'd imagined it being worn away by passing feet, or the rain. As it was an over zealous and under informed member of staff started cleaning it away. The pictures I have are of what remained after their effort to remove it. I took the decision to finish what they started. (Note to self: I must make sure everyone knows what's going on when I deal with multi-staffed arts organisations.)

# 22 [16 October 2007]

I've been thinking about what I wrote yesterday - I'm not happy with it and was going to edit that entry but I'm going to leave it and see if I can't unpick a bit of my uncomfortableness.

I also started going through my catalogues and notice that the Frieze catalogue has the most notes.

I was really disappointed with Zoo this year. Perhaps being there the first day wasn't ideal, perhaps being there the year of Northern Rock wasn't ideal, I don't know but I left feeling rather deflated. I can only think of one or two stands that interested me.

I accept that being an artist rather than a buyer I'm not the target fair audience however in the past I've left Zoo feeling excited about being an artist (even one without a gallery). This year was different.

What does it mean when I don't see evidence of my kind of practice? What does it mean to be out of step with what young galleries are showing?

I know that fairs are an essential part of a galleries year and must surely generate (directly and indirectly) a great deal of the income that enables them to put on more experimental shows. Perhaps I'm looking in the wrong places, perhaps I should make more effort to get to gallery shows and shouldn't expect the fairs to showcase new and exciting work...

# 21 [15 October 2007]

Why do I 'do Frieze*'?

*I use Frieze as a bit of a catch all term for the fairs, events and shows in mid October London

It makes me feel internationalI like to see what sells to who for what - it's the only time in the year when I read the Art Newspaperthe world comes to Londonit's a great time to catch up with friendsseeing the Collector on mass I enjoy spotting 'trends'; drawing, folk imagery, portraitureit's a chance to dress up

Frieze is becoming like January 1st or April 5 - one of those dates that marks a new year. A time to reflect on last years achievements, a time to make plans and resolutions.

This year I started off going around some of the fairs with friends. It made me realise how slow my natural pace is and how I like to have time with a piece and to have some context for it. I've come away with catalogues full of folded page corners - now the real work begins; following up artists and galleries. And of course trying to figure out where I fit in all of it.

Last year I said that I wasn't going to go to Frieze itself, I said I'd concentrate on the young gallery events. This year I'm thinking that as the young gallery fairs try to be more and more like Frieze I'll skip them next year and just enjoy the spectacle of the real high end ...

# 20 [1 October 2007]

I've had a stressful couple of weeks - getting used to the new routines with John's NG tube. There have been numerous meeting with various specialists. Although it saved him from immediate danger I was left in no doubt that his condition was serious. I'm not sure that I wasn't being 'told off' for not noticing the decline in his ability to eat and drink. Things have settled down but learning and remembering new routines is tiring.

As all this is going on I'm becoming more and more interested in beauty, and less and less interested in issues. I have enough issues without inviting them into the studio.

I'm so grateful that I have the studio, and that it's been quite busy there - lots of catching up with the other artists. It's good job that I see their achievements as inspirational!

I'm still working on a piece for the clothing-based group show. The show has been postponed (for a second time), it looks like it's happening in February. Last week the quilted patchwork finally began to show it's sculptural form. Until then I'd been working on the flat, now it's a cylinder - it's taken months to get to this stage. I have to admit that seeing the form lying on the table it looked more like a bolster from a old lady's bed than a boxer's punch-bag! Hopefully it'll manage to refer to both when it's finished.

The workmen developing the building at the front of the studios left the door to their temporary store open, everytime I see the space I can't help but fantasise about it being my studio. It would make a great sculpture studio - I must start working out how to make it a reality...