ARTISTS TALKING

# 19 [17 September 2007]

After coming a "very close second" (again) I've decided to take notice of what's happening and STOP applying for jobs! I'm obviously supposed to be an artist and not an employee - why has it taken me so long to work that out? So that's few hours a week of trawling in the internet saved.

I'm really grateful to Caroline Smith for programming me into her Day of Intimacy (CP Artists, Signals 5). It's re-introduced me to writers and performers. It feels like it might be the right time for me to re-engage with live art.

A crisis in John's condition was narrowly avoided at the end of last week. He's been losing weight rather rapidly but became dehydrated too. He was rushed in hospital and had a naso-gastric tube fitted. This means that he can get sufficent fluids and nourishment again.

It is any wonder that I'm getting more interested in ideas of beauty, getting more fascinated with materials, getting more attracted to connoisseurship . I need to believe there are things that aren't tainted, aren't spoiled, aren't shadowed by misfortune.

After years of making art that tries so hard to be socially and culturally relevant I feel a shift...

# 18 [3 September 2007]

The live/durational part of Bed was completed at 4.55pm on Saturday (started at 12.00 noon). The day was really good and I'm really pleased with way the piece turned out. The completed drawing surprised me with it's beauty.

The process was both formal, in that I had a pre-determined task to complete, and informal, in so much as I chatted with my 'audience'. Conversations ranged from the sizes of people's bed and sleeping habits to the expectations one brings to looking at art. A woman stall-holder at the nearby market came three times to see the piece. On the second and third times she brought different friends - she initiated a heated discussion about what is and what isn't art.

I hadn't given much thought to how the finished drawing would look. It's beauty caught me unaware and I found myself smiling and feeling very proud if it. There were a few moments when the drawing had the same quality as the sky above it. It was almost as if it stopped representing something real and took on a realtionship with light and space.

The piece will now be left to weather. I will go back and take periodic photographs of its erasure.

This was my first live work in about six years - I want to do more ....

# 17 [30 August 2007]

I've been thinking a lot about BED, the live work I'm making for the Day of Intimacy event. And the more I think about it the more I think I want to write an accompanying essay or hand book!

What's this desire to write about then? I can't guarantee that it's not an attempt to pre-empt criticism that the piece is juvenille. I can't guarantee that it's not an attempt to demonstrate how much I think about what appears to be simple work.

But outside of academia (which I am) does this kind of writing have a place? Who, and where, are my imagined readers?

I'm getting a bit anxous about how long the task I've set myself will take. Previous task vased durational work has taken considerably longer that I imagined it would. There's something quite poetic about finishing it late in the evening - at bedtime.

# 16 [24 August 2007]

The Hunters & Collectors 'Meet the Artists' event last night was really good. After a welcome and introduction by Linda Duffy (Co-curator) each of us spoke about our work in response to Linda's question about source materials and process.

The discuss was very informal and relaxed with the audience and other artists making contributions and comments as we talked about the work.

It was great to have this opportunity. I found it fascinating to hear about other artist's intentions and motivations. The areas of overlap and intersection between very different approaches was very interesting, perhaps it was a reflection of skillful curating that quite divergent artists were able to spark off each other. The discussion felt really vibrant and vital, as well as accessible and enjoyable!

I'm going to suggest this kind of event for future group shows I'm in. How lucky am I? - to spend an evening talking about my work with other artists and curators, having a glass of wine, and calling it work!

# 15 [20 August 2007]

BED - the live work I'm making for the Day of Intimacy (Signals 5's day of live and performance art) - will be my first live piece in about five years.

The task I've set myself is to chalk out an area the same size (and compass orientation) as my own bed. I'm starting at noon and really don't know how long it will take - I'm imaging that I'll finish the drawing in time to see some of the evening performances.

My intention was always to leave the drawing to weather. I imagine it being worn away by people walking over it as well as by rain, wind, sun. In the last few days I've become interested in how the piece lasts longer than the 'one day' of it's making. The imagined erasure of the drawing has acquired weight.

Beds are already such loaded objects - I can't help but think of their cultural associations with birth, death and marriage. Here I am planning to represent what is usually a private place very publicly.

BED starts 12.00 noon, Saturday 1 September. Antenna Studios, Haynes Lane, London SE19

www.myspace.com/signalsinlondon

# 14 [31 July 2007]

I've just uploaded the digital pictures I took of my work in the show and they are really bad! Why can't I take good pictures anymore? I used to do okay, so what's happened? Perhaps it's the camera, perhaps I spent more time looking through the view finder of my old SLR than I do now with a small digital.

I think I'm going to take some old fashioned slides and see if I like those more. I understand how an SLR and film work - I haven't a clue about digital stuff - does it make a differnece if I understand it or not?

The most interesting picture I've got from Sunday was some grafitti on a locked door in the car park. The names in a heart have been scrubbed out, below the heart it says 'GAY BOIZ'. I noticed it when I was about to drive home to John. I got back out of the car and photographed it. Were the 'gay boiz' names erased fom the heart? Did some 'gay boiz' erase other names and claim the heart for themselves? Is 'gay boiz' a declaration or an insult?

# 13 [30 July 2007]

I spent yesterday hanging two pieces of work for Hunters & Collectors at The Gallery at Willesden Green. It's been a long time since I put work into a gallery - my last show was in a garden shed.

Five artists were there, Linda and Emma brought a picnic along, and there was a good relaxed atmosphere. The show looks really good. It's good to see my work in a new context. I'd had the handkercheif piece up at home and I'm surprised at how much more professional it looks now that it's in a gallery (my home white walls don't make a white cube).

The show opens on Thursday and I'm getting a bit nervous about it. Over the last few years I haven't made it to many openings myself and now I'm worried that the people I've invited won't come to mine! It's so easy to lose contact with people I've met through other shows or at other studios. On the other hand - there's all those new people to meet ....

Hunters & Collectors can also be seen at; www.magpiecurators.org.uk

# 12 [23 July 2007]

• cover one studio wall with plasteboard
• finish 3 pieces of work
• get some new slides

I'm sitting here thinking through the things I need to do and wondering why I don't just do them.  Perhaps it's the fear of living my life by a global sports conglomerate's strap line.  Perhaps it's lack of confidence.

Neither of these excuses have any real currency.  Perhaps after all this time I'm actually afraid of getting what I want!  I'm commitment-phobic!  Keeping things at arms length means that they remain fantasties, or even 'fantastic', and making them real might spoil that.

• What is success?
• What am I doing to achieve it?
• What am I waiting for?
  

# 11 [17 July 2007]

I've been spending a lot of time on the studio making a piece for a show later this year.  It's an English Pieces patchwork made from two second hand shirts.  Unlike previous patchworks this one is going to be a cylinder - that means I've had to work out how many 'blocks' I need to maintain the pattern while allowing it to  join around itself 'seemlessly'.

There's something quite satisfying about the pages of isometric grid paper and tracing paper that are mounting up.

I want the the top and bottom of the cylinder to be flat.  This has led me to make a shape I haven't thought about since 'O' level maths - the trapizium.  Laying out combinations of hexagons and trapiziums gives me an inexplicable sense of pleasure.  What is it about this jigsaw-like activity that makes me smile so much?

The Enquire Artists' seminar rekindled my interest in the possibilities for artists in education.  I'd gone very sceptical, after getting really burnt out and tired of projects that had less and less relation to my own practice.  I noted that the most interesting work was being done outside of London.  Projects in both Liverpool and Manchester seemed so much more collaborative, while one in Brighton was specifically concentrating on continuing professional development for artists.  It was really refreshing to hear about projects where the artists were 'partners' throughout the project process (as opposed to the situation where I used to find myself agreeing to themes, materials and timetables arranged by schools and galleries without any real discussion).

I have to thank Barbara at Enquire for giving artists the rare chance to get together and talk about the stuff we need to talk about.  And thanks too to all the artists who I met and who assured me I wasn't alone in my concerns about the demands put on freelance artists working in schools. Now if we could only get some kind of association or 'trade union' going ..... !

# 10 [21 June 2007]

there's so much going on that's not directly connected to my artwork but that impacts on it.

Just over three years ago my partner was diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease. For last 18 months I've spent at least five nights a week sleeping on the sofa-bed at his flat. He's coped amazingly well with it, it's an awful illness that has left him completely paralysed and now unable to speak.

It feels strange to 'reveal' this - especially here.

I have an (almost) ambivalance about it - it's both essential and irrelevant at the same time. What does it mean for me, as an artist, to have a partner with demanding terminal illness? I don't want special treatment (or sympathy) and at the same time I want people to know why I'm not at as many openings as I should be, or sometimes don't get to the studio for a couple of weeks.

And then again - being with him undeniably affects me and therefore affects what I make.

I leave the studio and get the bus to John's. The TV is showing an early evening game show or soap. He's in his reclining chair, the windows are closed and the volume is up. I turn the sound down and tell him about my day - noticing that his eye's keep flicking over to the silent picture. I turn the sound up and go to the kitchen to make some dinner. John needs a soft diet now, sometimes I long for something with some bite but can't be bothered to make two separate meals. Because I have to spoon-feed him we usually share one plate and cutlery, it's easier than all the changing around. After dinner it's more TV. The night care staff tidy away the plates and do the washing up. The flat is set up for John and there really isn't any space for my stuff so I sit with John in front of the TV. At about 11.00 I help the carer get John into his wheelchair, he takes his medicine and they go off to the bathroom. While John has his teeth cleaned and face washed I make up the sofa bed. I assist the carer undressing John and lifting him into bed. After I've been to the bathroom I go back to the bedroom put John's alarm on his wrist and kiss him goodnight. In the morning I have a shower and make breakfast while two carers get John out of bed, make him tea and take him to the bathroom. I spend some time with John in the bathroom, him sitting on his shower-chair, me holding the cup of tea to his lips (he dribbles more than he did a week ago). When he's ready for his shower I leave him with his carers and go to the studio ....