ARTISTS TALKING

# 21 [15 October 2007]

Why do I 'do Frieze*'?

*I use Frieze as a bit of a catch all term for the fairs, events and shows in mid October London

It makes me feel internationalI like to see what sells to who for what - it's the only time in the year when I read the Art Newspaperthe world comes to Londonit's a great time to catch up with friendsseeing the Collector on mass I enjoy spotting 'trends'; drawing, folk imagery, portraitureit's a chance to dress up

Frieze is becoming like January 1st or April 5 - one of those dates that marks a new year. A time to reflect on last years achievements, a time to make plans and resolutions.

This year I started off going around some of the fairs with friends. It made me realise how slow my natural pace is and how I like to have time with a piece and to have some context for it. I've come away with catalogues full of folded page corners - now the real work begins; following up artists and galleries. And of course trying to figure out where I fit in all of it.

Last year I said that I wasn't going to go to Frieze itself, I said I'd concentrate on the young gallery events. This year I'm thinking that as the young gallery fairs try to be more and more like Frieze I'll skip them next year and just enjoy the spectacle of the real high end ...

# 20 [1 October 2007]

I've had a stressful couple of weeks - getting used to the new routines with John's NG tube. There have been numerous meeting with various specialists. Although it saved him from immediate danger I was left in no doubt that his condition was serious. I'm not sure that I wasn't being 'told off' for not noticing the decline in his ability to eat and drink. Things have settled down but learning and remembering new routines is tiring.

As all this is going on I'm becoming more and more interested in beauty, and less and less interested in issues. I have enough issues without inviting them into the studio.

I'm so grateful that I have the studio, and that it's been quite busy there - lots of catching up with the other artists. It's good job that I see their achievements as inspirational!

I'm still working on a piece for the clothing-based group show. The show has been postponed (for a second time), it looks like it's happening in February. Last week the quilted patchwork finally began to show it's sculptural form. Until then I'd been working on the flat, now it's a cylinder - it's taken months to get to this stage. I have to admit that seeing the form lying on the table it looked more like a bolster from a old lady's bed than a boxer's punch-bag! Hopefully it'll manage to refer to both when it's finished.

The workmen developing the building at the front of the studios left the door to their temporary store open, everytime I see the space I can't help but fantasise about it being my studio. It would make a great sculpture studio - I must start working out how to make it a reality...

# 19 [17 September 2007]

After coming a "very close second" (again) I've decided to take notice of what's happening and STOP applying for jobs! I'm obviously supposed to be an artist and not an employee - why has it taken me so long to work that out? So that's few hours a week of trawling in the internet saved.

I'm really grateful to Caroline Smith for programming me into her Day of Intimacy (CP Artists, Signals 5). It's re-introduced me to writers and performers. It feels like it might be the right time for me to re-engage with live art.

A crisis in John's condition was narrowly avoided at the end of last week. He's been losing weight rather rapidly but became dehydrated too. He was rushed in hospital and had a naso-gastric tube fitted. This means that he can get sufficent fluids and nourishment again.

It is any wonder that I'm getting more interested in ideas of beauty, getting more fascinated with materials, getting more attracted to connoisseurship . I need to believe there are things that aren't tainted, aren't spoiled, aren't shadowed by misfortune.

After years of making art that tries so hard to be socially and culturally relevant I feel a shift...

# 18 [3 September 2007]

The live/durational part of Bed was completed at 4.55pm on Saturday (started at 12.00 noon). The day was really good and I'm really pleased with way the piece turned out. The completed drawing surprised me with it's beauty.

The process was both formal, in that I had a pre-determined task to complete, and informal, in so much as I chatted with my 'audience'. Conversations ranged from the sizes of people's bed and sleeping habits to the expectations one brings to looking at art. A woman stall-holder at the nearby market came three times to see the piece. On the second and third times she brought different friends - she initiated a heated discussion about what is and what isn't art.

I hadn't given much thought to how the finished drawing would look. It's beauty caught me unaware and I found myself smiling and feeling very proud if it. There were a few moments when the drawing had the same quality as the sky above it. It was almost as if it stopped representing something real and took on a realtionship with light and space.

The piece will now be left to weather. I will go back and take periodic photographs of its erasure.

This was my first live work in about six years - I want to do more ....

# 17 [30 August 2007]

I've been thinking a lot about BED, the live work I'm making for the Day of Intimacy event. And the more I think about it the more I think I want to write an accompanying essay or hand book!

What's this desire to write about then? I can't guarantee that it's not an attempt to pre-empt criticism that the piece is juvenille. I can't guarantee that it's not an attempt to demonstrate how much I think about what appears to be simple work.

But outside of academia (which I am) does this kind of writing have a place? Who, and where, are my imagined readers?

I'm getting a bit anxous about how long the task I've set myself will take. Previous task vased durational work has taken considerably longer that I imagined it would. There's something quite poetic about finishing it late in the evening - at bedtime.

# 16 [24 August 2007]

The Hunters & Collectors 'Meet the Artists' event last night was really good. After a welcome and introduction by Linda Duffy (Co-curator) each of us spoke about our work in response to Linda's question about source materials and process.

The discuss was very informal and relaxed with the audience and other artists making contributions and comments as we talked about the work.

It was great to have this opportunity. I found it fascinating to hear about other artist's intentions and motivations. The areas of overlap and intersection between very different approaches was very interesting, perhaps it was a reflection of skillful curating that quite divergent artists were able to spark off each other. The discussion felt really vibrant and vital, as well as accessible and enjoyable!

I'm going to suggest this kind of event for future group shows I'm in. How lucky am I? - to spend an evening talking about my work with other artists and curators, having a glass of wine, and calling it work!

# 15 [20 August 2007]

BED - the live work I'm making for the Day of Intimacy (Signals 5's day of live and performance art) - will be my first live piece in about five years.

The task I've set myself is to chalk out an area the same size (and compass orientation) as my own bed. I'm starting at noon and really don't know how long it will take - I'm imaging that I'll finish the drawing in time to see some of the evening performances.

My intention was always to leave the drawing to weather. I imagine it being worn away by people walking over it as well as by rain, wind, sun. In the last few days I've become interested in how the piece lasts longer than the 'one day' of it's making. The imagined erasure of the drawing has acquired weight.

Beds are already such loaded objects - I can't help but think of their cultural associations with birth, death and marriage. Here I am planning to represent what is usually a private place very publicly.

BED starts 12.00 noon, Saturday 1 September. Antenna Studios, Haynes Lane, London SE19

www.myspace.com/signalsinlondon

# 14 [31 July 2007]

I've just uploaded the digital pictures I took of my work in the show and they are really bad! Why can't I take good pictures anymore? I used to do okay, so what's happened? Perhaps it's the camera, perhaps I spent more time looking through the view finder of my old SLR than I do now with a small digital.

I think I'm going to take some old fashioned slides and see if I like those more. I understand how an SLR and film work - I haven't a clue about digital stuff - does it make a differnece if I understand it or not?

The most interesting picture I've got from Sunday was some grafitti on a locked door in the car park. The names in a heart have been scrubbed out, below the heart it says 'GAY BOIZ'. I noticed it when I was about to drive home to John. I got back out of the car and photographed it. Were the 'gay boiz' names erased fom the heart? Did some 'gay boiz' erase other names and claim the heart for themselves? Is 'gay boiz' a declaration or an insult?

# 13 [30 July 2007]

I spent yesterday hanging two pieces of work for Hunters & Collectors at The Gallery at Willesden Green. It's been a long time since I put work into a gallery - my last show was in a garden shed.

Five artists were there, Linda and Emma brought a picnic along, and there was a good relaxed atmosphere. The show looks really good. It's good to see my work in a new context. I'd had the handkercheif piece up at home and I'm surprised at how much more professional it looks now that it's in a gallery (my home white walls don't make a white cube).

The show opens on Thursday and I'm getting a bit nervous about it. Over the last few years I haven't made it to many openings myself and now I'm worried that the people I've invited won't come to mine! It's so easy to lose contact with people I've met through other shows or at other studios. On the other hand - there's all those new people to meet ....

Hunters & Collectors can also be seen at; www.magpiecurators.org.uk

# 12 [23 July 2007]

• cover one studio wall with plasteboard
• finish 3 pieces of work
• get some new slides

I'm sitting here thinking through the things I need to do and wondering why I don't just do them.  Perhaps it's the fear of living my life by a global sports conglomerate's strap line.  Perhaps it's lack of confidence.

Neither of these excuses have any real currency.  Perhaps after all this time I'm actually afraid of getting what I want!  I'm commitment-phobic!  Keeping things at arms length means that they remain fantasties, or even 'fantastic', and making them real might spoil that.

• What is success?
• What am I doing to achieve it?
• What am I waiting for?