ARTISTS TALKING

# 18 [8 July 2008]

Lots and nothing happening at the moment. Went to see MA show in Leeds, and Cy Twombly and RA shows in London. These trips stimulated new thoughts, and opened my world again a bit - need to do this regularly.

Spending more time than normal staring into space or simulating busyness, or redesigning my lists of tasks, none of which makes me feel particularly satisfied, but is quite compulsive behaviour. Then - the odd breakthrough, a movement into activity...

started collecting bits of..... hmm, not sure how to describe this - things like stray eyelashes, bogeys, flap of skin from a blister... are they bits of body? traces we leave behind, evidence of experiences, stains... I got some tiny resealable clear bags and an index card system to record them. My camera is in my studio and the work is at home, so will get a photo organised soon.

# 17 [3 July 2008]

Today was totally rubbish. It's true you should be careful what you wish for, because I've just had three uninterupted days to devote to my studio practise, and it culminated in a guilt ridden grump of a day, doing nothing useful and feeling bad about it. no pleasing some people...

# 16 [27 June 2008]

I spent a day filming the performance element of 'Left Behind' at Scarborough Art Gallery on Monday. What a day! It came hot on the heels of a wedding and late night partying on Saturday, in the Midlands (on my own with the girls' as partner was ill), and a birthday party in Scarborough for eldest daughter on Sunday. Felt really tired and disorientated, and fired up with nerves and adrenalin. My long suffering partner (who would marry an artist?) got off his sick bed and travelled to Scarborough to help with all the technical stuff and document the process.

I characteristically bounced between the full range of emotions at a rate of knots, while he ignored everything but the stuff relevant to the job in hand. It's an impressive skill he has developed, to avoid getting sucked into the drama, while I veer from thinking this is the best piece I've ever made, to thinking it's such a failure I'm embarassed to show it. Hopefully it's somewhere in the middle and will all be fine in the end.

# 15 [20 June 2008]

You know that feeling you have when you just 'can't put your finger on it'? I'm really enjoying that feeling today.

# 14 [17 June 2008]

Here are some of the thoughts that drift through my mind when I am working on ‘Left Behind’... (it’s difficult to remember many of my thoughts, like when you wake from a dream and it dissolves before you grasp it, but I see this as a sign that I have let go of my logical thought processes, and I welcome that)  –         

the debris that gets left behind by our activities (dust, stains, dirt) – aspirations and daydreams as we wash the dirt and sweat, out of our clothes, making them anonymous and empty again -  longing -  wiping surfaces, tears, bottoms – creating order out of chaos, totally fulfilled – trapped in a loop of repetitive activity, feeling angry resentful and bitter - clean, scrub, fret about stains, worry what judgements others will make – houseproud means wholesome – cleaning is pointless circular - trying to remove evidence - trying to reach the other side– to feel in control – linked to generations of housewives who clear it all up - invisible workforce of cleaners who remove all traces of our time in our offices, on trains and buses, in cafes and restaurants, at cinemas – get rid of anything that reveals vulnerability – messy drippy tears, snot bubbles, leaky bladders, crumbs – don’t make a fuss – wash your face you’ll feel better – if you pretend you are ok, you are ok.

# 13 [23 May 2008]

I’m giving a talk at the gallery on 25 July. I’ve been thinking about how I can talk about this piece of work in a way that leaves space for people to make their own mind up. My practise involves a period of research, a period of inhabiting the world through the eyes of the latest idea, then investing meaning in the piece through the making process.

By the end I feel I want to explain it all, and have trouble letting it stand alone. I suspect this is also the product of 15years of involvement in community arts; it’s become part of the fibre of my being to consider accessibility in everything I do. Yet I really like looking at work that is difficult, even impenetrable. I have to consciously remember to be lateral and open ended, to enjoy ambiguity.

# 12 [20 May 2008]

I’ve been thinking about the performance element of ‘Left Behind’ today. I’ve made a test piece to make sure that I can achieve the right effect technically – but the actual performance or action remains vague.

Here are my current ideas: I know that I want to embody the character of a woman who is looking for a way for a change to happen. The film is silent, so she has no voice, and perhaps a limited sense of her options. She is carrying heavy shopping bags full of grit and salt, and sits in the coffee lounge initially looking defeated. I want her to go on a quiet internal journey, and then to leave the gallery.

The film will be projected onto the corner of the gallery where it was filmed, so it produces a life size but insubstantial character in the room. 

There are so many layers and levels of thought involved in this part of the installation – the more research and thought I give it, the more paralysed I feel. I know that ultimately I need to let go of all the rational cerebral processes, and do what feels right, but I don’t know what that is at the moment, so it’s a bit nerve-wracking.

 I think I’m feeling a bit uptight since moving house and meeting work deadlines (for Creative Partnerships and engage) so I can’t easily shift into the soft focus state I need to really work creatively.  

This is a constant challenge for me (and probably other artists?) – managing the shift from being an effective functioning person who understands and can conform to the things that most people see as important – punctuality, clarity, reliability, meeting deadlines, sticking to plans – and being able to shift into a state where none of these things restrict your sense of creative possibilities.  

I'm filming at the gallery on 23rd June, so it'd better come together then!

# 11 [7 May 2008]

Feel like I'm juggling jelly at the moment. Spent most of the day so far trying to allocate time in my diary to get everything done. The main complication as ever is finding childcare to fit around erratic and irregular working patterns. I have two freelance consultancy jobs for Creative Partnerhsips and engage vying for position, and lots of trips to Scarborough to fit in, to make and instal the show. Then I get sucked into emailing local arts organisations in a bid to start networking in my new area. Which reminds me that I still haven't told the bank that I've moved, etc etc...

When is it ever About the Art? Rob Turner commented on one of my posts that the art will find a way of escaping, and it will make sense of itself in the end. I felt a bit prickly when i first read it - like I KNOW THAT thankyou - but his words have stayed in my head, and have ultimately been quite reassuring - cheers, and sorry for the private grump!

I've remembered that it's About the Art when I'm gnawing away at a tricky problem with siting the projector in the gallery, or when I'm reading other blogs and feeling connected to my artist self, or when I'm just looking at things with Interest. Making-time in the studio is a tiny part of it and that's OK.

# 10 [21 April 2008]

Alongside moving house, settling (resistant) daughters into new home and school, and facing up to the fact that every task involves a 20 minute search through several large cardboard boxes, I’ve been struggling to provide Scarborough Art Gallery with some blurb and an image for their publicity leaflet.  

 I’ve just been told that as the leaflet has been redesigned, an image may not be included. I knew there were changes afoot– the gallery is in the process of becoming part of a Trust, instead of Scarborough Borough Council, so they will be dealing with all sorts of new procedures and other changes. The staff are being very helpful and supportive, so I just hope my image goes in! 

As for the blurb, it took me a ridiculously long time to condense my ideas for the work into two sentences, and now that’s been cut in half… Lara, the Curator of Art has worked with me to develop a good ‘one sentence’ statement instead. I guess I can make use of the second sentence here, as an introduction to talking about the work. It will also come in handy for preview invites and publicity releases, so it was a worthwhile exercise. 

'Left Behind' 19 July – 19 October 2008

Video projection, textiles and dust-filled jam jars are delicately brought together in this new work created especially for the Coffee Lounge.

 'Left Behind' was made in response to the semi-domestic space of the coffee lounge and explores the visible and invisible traces we leave behind in our every day lives.

# 9 [11 April 2008]

moving house is bad. never mind losing the thread, I've lost the whole reel. It'll be in one of these b***** boxes...

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