ARTISTS TALKING

# 12 [20 May 2008]

I’ve been thinking about the performance element of ‘Left Behind’ today. I’ve made a test piece to make sure that I can achieve the right effect technically – but the actual performance or action remains vague.

Here are my current ideas: I know that I want to embody the character of a woman who is looking for a way for a change to happen. The film is silent, so she has no voice, and perhaps a limited sense of her options. She is carrying heavy shopping bags full of grit and salt, and sits in the coffee lounge initially looking defeated. I want her to go on a quiet internal journey, and then to leave the gallery.

The film will be projected onto the corner of the gallery where it was filmed, so it produces a life size but insubstantial character in the room. 

There are so many layers and levels of thought involved in this part of the installation – the more research and thought I give it, the more paralysed I feel. I know that ultimately I need to let go of all the rational cerebral processes, and do what feels right, but I don’t know what that is at the moment, so it’s a bit nerve-wracking.

 I think I’m feeling a bit uptight since moving house and meeting work deadlines (for Creative Partnerships and engage) so I can’t easily shift into the soft focus state I need to really work creatively.  

This is a constant challenge for me (and probably other artists?) – managing the shift from being an effective functioning person who understands and can conform to the things that most people see as important – punctuality, clarity, reliability, meeting deadlines, sticking to plans – and being able to shift into a state where none of these things restrict your sense of creative possibilities.  

I'm filming at the gallery on 23rd June, so it'd better come together then!

# 11 [7 May 2008]

Feel like I'm juggling jelly at the moment. Spent most of the day so far trying to allocate time in my diary to get everything done. The main complication as ever is finding childcare to fit around erratic and irregular working patterns. I have two freelance consultancy jobs for Creative Partnerhsips and engage vying for position, and lots of trips to Scarborough to fit in, to make and instal the show. Then I get sucked into emailing local arts organisations in a bid to start networking in my new area. Which reminds me that I still haven't told the bank that I've moved, etc etc...

When is it ever About the Art? Rob Turner commented on one of my posts that the art will find a way of escaping, and it will make sense of itself in the end. I felt a bit prickly when i first read it - like I KNOW THAT thankyou - but his words have stayed in my head, and have ultimately been quite reassuring - cheers, and sorry for the private grump!

I've remembered that it's About the Art when I'm gnawing away at a tricky problem with siting the projector in the gallery, or when I'm reading other blogs and feeling connected to my artist self, or when I'm just looking at things with Interest. Making-time in the studio is a tiny part of it and that's OK.

# 10 [21 April 2008]

Alongside moving house, settling (resistant) daughters into new home and school, and facing up to the fact that every task involves a 20 minute search through several large cardboard boxes, I’ve been struggling to provide Scarborough Art Gallery with some blurb and an image for their publicity leaflet.  

 I’ve just been told that as the leaflet has been redesigned, an image may not be included. I knew there were changes afoot– the gallery is in the process of becoming part of a Trust, instead of Scarborough Borough Council, so they will be dealing with all sorts of new procedures and other changes. The staff are being very helpful and supportive, so I just hope my image goes in! 

As for the blurb, it took me a ridiculously long time to condense my ideas for the work into two sentences, and now that’s been cut in half… Lara, the Curator of Art has worked with me to develop a good ‘one sentence’ statement instead. I guess I can make use of the second sentence here, as an introduction to talking about the work. It will also come in handy for preview invites and publicity releases, so it was a worthwhile exercise. 

'Left Behind' 19 July – 19 October 2008

Video projection, textiles and dust-filled jam jars are delicately brought together in this new work created especially for the Coffee Lounge.

 'Left Behind' was made in response to the semi-domestic space of the coffee lounge and explores the visible and invisible traces we leave behind in our every day lives.

# 9 [11 April 2008]

moving house is bad. never mind losing the thread, I've lost the whole reel. It'll be in one of these b***** boxes...

Service will resume shortly.

# 8 [23 March 2008]

We are relocating from Scarborough to Holmfirth. Moving next week. It's a nightmare. Enough of that though, I think it's time to focus on the art... if I don't do that here, it won't happen at all at the moment.

I've actually made a lot of progress with the piece I am making for Scarborough Art Gallery, but somehow I never get round to talking about it in my blog. In fact it's quite fascinating to observe how my default position is to avoid talking about my work in any circumstance. Particularly when I talk to curators, exhibition officers, anyone who would really like to hear a bit more about why I do it. I have an impressive range of techniques for giving the whole subject the bodyswerve. Like now for example, rambling on like this.

OK, I'll do the easy bit first - a list of the various elements of the piece; There are the 'preserving jars' of dust and dirt, on the shelves of an old oak(?) wardrobe. I've made a felt 'pinny' which is hanging in the wardrobe, and I've done a film test of myself 'doing things' in a corner of the gallery. I'm going to project the film back onto the same gallery space. I need to think a bit more precisely about what I will do and wear in the film. 

I think I'll avoid talking about what it's about for a bit longer and bite the bullet next post. Let's not over do it after all - otherwise I'll need a lie-down and there's no time for that!

# 7 [11 March 2008]

I chatted to one of the Other Mothers in the playground this morning. She asked what I’ve been up to and I told her I’m making a film for a show at Scarborough Art Gallery Coffee Lounge. She said;  

‘but why would you spend all that time doing that? If it doesn’t earn you money and it doesn’t get the house tidy, I just don’t get why you do it…’

I couldn't really answer her in a way that she would understand, and got a bit embarassed. I laughed and muttered something about how I know it's quite ridiculous.

When I get home I feel angry that I undervalued my work, that I didn't defend my right to be different.

# 6 [10 March 2008]

I cleared some boxes of junk from my in-laws garage yesterday.. old school books mainly. At the bottom of one box I found the first knitted sculpture I ever made, during my degree.  I had an appalling relationship with my tutor at the time. I vividly remember how he picked it up as though it was disgusting, and tossed in the bin, saying 'what are we playing at now then Rachel?' 15 years later I plucked up the courage to start knitting again. Here's one of my recent knitted pieces.

# 5 [6 March 2008]

I’ve been collecting the sweepings off the kitchen floor, the dust off all the surfaces, the stuff out of the hoover, and gak out of the plug hole. It’s all in preserving jars on the kitchen window sill.

The landlady looked but didn’t mention it. I think she just blanked it out. Lots of people seem to do that.

I overheard Older Daughter say to her friend ‘I dunno – it’s probably just mum’s art.’ She watched me make it but knows better than to ask why. It could unleash a tirade about Housework, and she likes to avoid those conversations.

# 4 [3 March 2008]

The content (or Why I Do It) 

I think ‘the context’ (or all the Other Stuff in my life) is a necessary but awkward part of my life as an Artist. Rachel the Artist and Rachel the Mother are not separate beings, they infect and influence each other. Yet it feels difficult to acknowledge this, in an art market that caters for artists who can sacrifice their daily life at the drop of a hat to take on a new residency or project, to the detriment of all else. It’s as if having children automatically makes you less committed to your work. 

I have a fear that mentioning my personal circumstances could trigger a chain reaction of responses – I will be dismissed as a tedious feminist artist, probably making art as therapy.  

I also think that if something seems to be taboo, that’s probably the best reason for talking about it, so that’s why I’ve made it a central factor in my blog. I want to open up the conflict I experience between my creative ambition and my commitment to my family.  

Writing down the Other Stuff is Important for the function of the blog; it helps me Remember what I’ve done and feel comfortable and satisfied with my own achievements. It can be difficult to Remember what has actually changed when periods of studio time are erratic and disjointed. 

Some days I have to have an argument with myself to get over the guilt I feel for playing/working in my studio instead of chopping vegetables for tea. .. I imagine my children with rickets and put more fruit in their lunchboxes – it comes back bruised and uneaten… 

The act of writing this blog helps me to focus on the positive. I will log my progress as an artist, chart the movement of ideas and actions, and include edited images which function as my sketchbook.  

Ps. Just to keep you up to date on the context - been up all night with Older Daughter while she threw up – you can probably picture the serene and satisfied vision of motherhood that I encapsulate today, only improved by the faint aroma of vomit on the carpet.

# 3 [1 March 2008]

Vertigo

Lots of things have been happening... here's the context to the story.

We are moving from Scarborough to West Yorkshire (hopefully to a village called Honley, near Huddersfield, if we ever find a decent house to rent). This is because my partner's got a job in Dewsbury. I don't know anyone there so I am quite scared and excited.

My landlady wants me to organise appointments for estate agents, HIP assessors etc. She lives in France and wants to sell the house. I wish I hadn't been so generous in the amount of notice I gave her about our move. She could still be blissfully unaware, and I could stay submerged in the never ending tide of mess and chaos in the house.

My partner is in Iceland for a week and I have just spend 2 days completely housebound with my youngest daughter - she's had a stomach bug. It's made me feel quite shut down - too much time inside my own head, unable to do anything with any of my thoughts. If I get up to get something from the other side of the room, she jumps up and clings on to me, 24hours a day. I've had to cancel a meeting at Scarborough Art Gallery, after spending every spare minute preparing images and notes to show them. I've also missed the Lonely Arts Lunch - a rare opportunity to get together with other isolated creatives in the Borough.

Young Daughter (6) said 'mum, I've got a feeling and I don't know what it's for, and I don't know where the feeling is.' I couldn't put it better myself. She's getting better now; 'it's like I've jumped on 500 trampolines straight after dinner'.

I'm perpetually worried about money, and rent is more expensive in West Yorkshire. As a result I've taken on lots of work, and now it's all whirling round my head all the time. I have freelance a contract with Creative Partnerships Hull, as a Creative Agent, brokering relationships between 4 schools and various creative practitioners (artists). I've just taken on a contract with engage co-ordinating the final stages of their envision programme - it's hard picking up someone elses job half way through, but it's really interesting work. I teach short courses, 'Community Art Skills' and 'Unlock your Creativity' for University of Hull. It doesn't sound much when you see it written like that, but it feels like a lot.

I've been diagnosed with vertigo! I think it sounds almost exotic, so maybe I can sort of get to like it. I keep feeling all swimmy and wonky. Apparently it can be triggered by a virus or by stress.  Apparently it should go away within six weeks.

Finally - wait for it - this is the biggee... I've just heard about my ACE bid for £10,400 for professional development I got the money - WAHOO! What a fantastic endorsement of my work, my ideas. It's all worthwhile.

So - that's the context.