ARTISTS TALKING

# 13 [18 June 2008]

Ok I'm really angry, to be honest I'm furious, I've made some discoveries that are shocking and I even fear writing them down here. I fear writing because I know many people will be effected and it could have far reaching impications on the world. My family are medical, I grew up in with surgeons and doctors and I had to make alot of decions in my life that did not corrolate with the medical establishment. Now I've discovered ways of dealing with my own health and the health of my daughter I feel able to express my anger at the medical establishment. The medical establishment has basically sold us a lie, that lie is vaccinations. I no longer care if anyone disagrees because I now understand it to be the truth. It is the truth because of my own experences as a child growing up and now as an adult. In fact is is what has driven my artistic practice throughout my life. I am deaf in one ear, I had mumps as a child. My mum gave birth to three babies that died. My step mother had a cot-death. These are real facts that happened in my life. I have been seeking out ways of expressing them threw art, this has been getting increasingly difficult until I had my daughter. She has freed a creative expression in me that I did not know was possible. I feel able to make a lot more work and ideas are piling up in my mind.

My homeopath is helping, this is the reason for my transformation, this is why I have the strength to write this here. I've taken my daughter to the homeopath too because she was given immunisations. I was terrified for her, I had a severe attack of anxiety in August which has led me to where I am now. I no longer want children to suffer, there is too much pain in the world already without having to inflict more upon our children. We need to look after them and not inject them with diseases which actually in the end could kill them. 

# 12 [18 June 2008]

Another early rise. It's 6am the sun looks gorgeous, I love the early mornings. Alot is happening at the moment, my life is transforming, I can feel the shift, it's quite incredible. I've started writing my morning pages again, and it really helps. I've been doing it for so long now its like automatic writing, I don't even need to think about the next sentence.

I had an unexpected meeting last night with Vicky and Agnes. There's something magical about those two, they are full of the joys of life. I find their company both relaxing and stimulating at the same time. The breast feeding video is happening. However it needs to happen fast because of funding deadlines with Children in Need. This is what's challenging. It will help to have someone famous promoting breast-feeding. Does anyone know anyone famous who breast fed and might be interested in educating teen mums. I know Tracey Emin has an exhibition about teen mums going on in Folkestone at the moment. I wonder if she could help? The difficulty is we need the interview as soon as possible. The funding requires us to finish the breast feeding video first in order to move on to a far more exciting video documenting labour. This video will provide information to young mums and midwives about the experience of giving birth.

# 11 [16 June 2008]

Wow this week has been incredible. I suddenly feel such a lot better. I've been seeing a homeopath which seems to be working. I threw up the other night, quite spontaeously, I'm not someone who has a weak stomach so this was a shock. Anyway I think its my body adjusting to the life change, once my belly was empty I felt better. Then Neve threw up all over the floor. Luckily I was out so Nick had to clear it up! 

So where do I start? The breast feeding project is back on. I visited Vicky and she's going to help me. This is what I needed, some support, in order to decide who does what role, so I don't take the whole thing on. I don't want to make myself ill again. I'm confident that it'll work this time. Vicky lives round the corner so we'll be able to keep in contact regularly. Plus she's got a nice house and gives me (and Neve) flapjacks so that helps too!

I've been getting up early again. It's been fantastic, seeing the early morning sun and enjoying those silent hours when everyone else is still asleep. I feel my old self returning.

# 10 [10 June 2008]

Hooray I'm here again and I can feel a glimmer of my creative self surfacing.

I'm now acknowledging that I've been going through some form of post-natal depression... there I said it! It feels like I'm a failure to admit it, but this is where I'm at so I have to come to terms with it somehow. This morning was the first morning in a long time that I've actually wanted to get up and do something. I even had an art idea whilst breast feeding Neve at 5.30am. I want to film her hand clutching at my other breast as she feeds. It's such an intimate, sensual action, but it can also be rough and hurt. It's accompanied with a hum which is both annoying and amusing at the same time! I'll try to remember to leave my camera by the bed so I can film her tomorrow morning.

I'm handing the teenage mum project over to Vicky. She asked if I wanted to still be involved, with her support this time. At the time I cringed and said no, but today I'm wondering... if we devised the questions together, and then both filmed some of the mums. It's the editing that puzzles me. I'm not a documentary maker. Perhaps I could get some advice, maybe I should talk to my cousin Martie. I think this is the key, I'm an artist, I've never made documentaries, I'm not sure what is holding the video together. It needs some kind of direction other than a few questions. I need to have a starting point, other than 'lets film some mums talking about breast-feeding'. I might ask around and then decide if I want to work on it, nothing's been done since I gave it up, so there's no harm in toying with the idea.

I discovered some more photos from my pregnancy so I might just have a little look for them now. There's one where my belly looks like a big pudding! 

# 9 [16 May 2008]

It's been too long, in the 5 weeks that have elapsed since I wrote, everything has changed. I've taken a nose dive into no longer feeling confident in my abilities as both mother and artist. I've rejected the video, it became technically overwhelming and information led in a way that felt suddenly unmanageable. I've been obscenely measuring myself against others, in every way possible, starting with other mothers. I somehow need to claw my way out of this hole...

# 8 [11 April 2008]

We're off on holiday this weekend to Chipping Norton so I thought I'd write before we go. I've started to get much more focussed with my art. I think the years of writing morning pages is starting to pay off. 

Yesterday I met a young mum for lunch and a talk about how we will proceed with the breast feeding video. She's extremely intelligent, really on the case. I have a firm belief that she can take on the role of organising the teenagers. This is exactly what I need. It means my role is clearer, I'm more a project co-ordinator and director than actual film maker. This is necessary since the young people need to do the filming and editing themselves. It's a thrilling feeling for me because this makes my job easier. I still have to do alot of co-ordination and organisation in order to get the filming underway but there's less of the hard work that film making often involves.

 I will interview Karnie on video next week and a couple of other young and/or pregnant mums. Karnie is going to design the questions for me which is brilliant too. The pregnant mums will then have control over what is being asked of them.

# 7 [8 April 2008]

It's a gorgeous sunny spring day. We cycled the low tide bike ride along the mud flats of Brighton beach, then had a naked swim at the end! It's set me up for day. Plus Granny is here so I have some precious time to myself!

Alot has happened to progress my project over the last few weeks. It's hard not to be overwhelmed. It's all good though. I have the phone numbers of pregnant teenagers to ring in order to film them breast feeding after they have given birth. This is so exciting.  I must do that today, phone at least one of them. The project needs to move rapidly due to funding deadlines. I've been bought in at the last minute to help Agnes out. I'm looking forward to it, it's not a hard project because everything is already set up. All I need to do is a bit of co-ordination to work with these young women. There is even an IT man available as well, so I need not worry too much about the techie side either.

# 6 [6 April 2008]

I'm writing on a Sunday and Nick and Neve are bopping around the house to Gorgol Bordello. 

I'm feeling so much better, I've emerged from a dark post-natal time.  I only know now I'm happier because I feel more myself again. It's a real relief. everything is changing and my project is beginning to emerge. I met the teenagers again on Friday. I'm going to make a breast feeding video to help them understand the pros and cons. I love breast feeding so that helps alot. I've got various numbers so I can contact them indivdually and film them feeding their babies.

It's snowing! It's gorgeous, tumbling down in a billowing mass. I want to put more photos of me naked and pregnant on here. It was such a special time I need to keep celebrating it. In fact I'll look for one now.

I've had quite a few leads for the next stage of this project so it is getting very exciting. 

# 5 [31 March 2008]

Yesterday I had a glimpse at the creative energy I used to get where nothing else matters except the here and now. I was able to write a stream of consciousness that connected from head to hand to page effortlessly. This flow of energy is rare these days. I long for time alone, then when I have it I feel a rising panic as to how to make use of it. I invariably end up with a sense of wasting 'precious' time.

Today, for instance, is my Monday off when Granny comes. I'm finding it hard to settle down and concentrate. It's partly a problem of space, we're so cramped in this flat. Every part of my life has been thrown into question recently. Here, on this blog,  I hang on to a tiny part of myself as an artist. It shouldn't really matter what I write but I am aware that I'm afraid of becoming entirely self absorbed and self reflective.

Sara lent me a book called 'Pictures in Pregnancy' that examines the social context of how we view the pregnant body. The photos of the women are joyful in the way they present their big bellies to the camera. I look back on those months with fondness, I loved the hope my round body gave me. I felt sexy. 

# 4 [18 March 2008]

I'm here in the afternoon whilst Neve has a snooze. I've been close to giving up on this blog, but then I got an email from Andrew Bryant about being featured on the home page and it lifted my spirits. By knowing at least one person had read my blog it validated it.

It's hard work being a mother, I always suspected it was, but didn't anticipate quite how all consuming it would be. My brain has turned to jelly, all my postnatal creative energies have dissolved.

I'm interested in life and art and the cross over between the two. I watched my performance yesterday. I'm going to write a quote from my journal written at that time...

'Life is so much more important than art. Yet we need art, to remember life, to be aware and notice what living is. I can't distinguish between whether I'm writing this for 'art' or because i want it for 'life'. I imagine reading it out so it becomes art. But I could just as well leave it as my own secrets, for me , not for anyone else. Sharing is fun, that's why I make art, because I like to discuss ideas".

... so back to the teenage mums. I did the workshop, or activity. None of them wanted to lie down on the floor. I'd forgotten that they are teenagers and adverse to anything requiring effort, especially whilst heavily pregnant. One of them lay down for me and I drew around her. I asked questions about how they felt on the inside, they responded with 'butterflies' 'scared' one of the dads said 'I worry about her being ill'. He hadn't talked all afternoon so that was refreshing.

Neve meanwhile managed to find her way into my bag and dig out an orange that she heartily bit into and enjoyed a mouthful of pith! 

I find it hard to see anything worthwhile as an outcome of that activity. The product was certainly disappointing but it isn't about that anyway. I also showed them the naked time lapse of my growing belly. One dad sank back and cringed behind his black locks of hair. The other was more forward and curious about how my belly grew and then retracted because the movie was on a loop.

I don't know where to go from here. I need to arrange a meeting with someone at the maternity ward and show them my time lapse piece.