ARTISTS TALKING

# 32 [26 November 2008]

lunch time, the day before.

yesterday wasn't too good.  working at home today.  this time tomorrow the first part of the dissertation will be nearly complete.

i might be a little stressed at the moment. 

# 31 [25 November 2008]

i'm going to tell you.

have you ever had a conversation that ended "but don't tell your dad" or but don't tell her"?  i certainly used to.  it didn't help me long term as i had to relearn that when there is a problem, certainly in a relationship, the only person who will help sort the situation is the person with whom the problem is.  sorry, i know it's hard,  the only constructive way to sort a problem out is to talk to the person concerned.  

it's not particle physics.

i have a dissertation presntation on thursday so obviously today i had to go in to return a borrowed book to the person who was not in yesterday to receive the book.

from the book delivery, my time at uni was unhappy. not in an unsetting incident kind of way, but a succession of things that mount to an unhappy state of mind.

and i'm going to tell you as i actually can't tell the person concerned as the person doesn't exist, it's actually a collective known as an institution.  and as such i feel justified in writing it here.

there are pressures over space and the usage of it.  yes, there are people in "managerial" roles that would rather see a desk and a personal computer with a person working at it, than an open space with work in progress on the floor, walls and easels with no one to be seen as that's the way that art sometimes appears and actually works.  those in "managerial" roles pressure lecturing staff, that pressure gets transferred to us the students and suddenly there is an uncomfortable situation.  i have talked to a member of staff on another course, it's not just fine art.

and then i hear about our second year that have had to deliver a module without making the work.  i don't know the full storey, needless to say the buildings we used are now part of a building programme. 

which takes me onto having to ask why contractors are using the student refectory, when they have their own welfare facilities.  at least by talking to them, i have made my point. they did eventually see mine.

the great thing about the university is that there is a support mechanism in place to help students.  a bit like an art project to help residents affected by a regeneration project.  the residents anxiety and unhappiness being generated by the regeneration agency.

so take the family model of keeping information from other family members as there is a percieved notion of the recipient not liking the information, scale it up to institution size and scale it up again to country size, what do we get ?  i haven't fully researched that yet.  my expected conclusions are unclear. what i would hope is that it wouldn't be a country in which the people running the place clearly are incapable, yet no one says anything about it.

# 30 [21 November 2008]

reflective golden eye.

in a week that had gothic proportional beginnings to mid term interventions and a distinctive endings, what has happened ?

loads.

the great thing about practice is just that, the constant practicing.  

at the end of this week, i do have comparted thinking, it's great for sure.

my video investigation is spurred on by a possibility to respond to "a call for submissions".  normally i don't bother as the current trends and fashions are uninteresting and not quite suited to the work and thinking in my backpack. however.

the notion of a revolution implies a beginning and a return to the same point.  as a revolution of a cycle wheel, a record, a cd.  why can't a revolution be a 180 degrees ?  why does it have to complete the 360 to be classed as a revolution.  if the end is where it began, all that can be said of that revolution is of the time of duration, things will have happened.  another revolution following the first and again the same process of experiences through time, as watching a film is.

my research has been considering the notion of peak oil.  not a derbyshire company, a condition first defined in 1956.  

revolution is just one letter on from evolution.  so close to each other. a timebased work has a specified beginning and an end, as a 360 degree motion.  however in my work, i'm exploring the possibilty of the end being at the 180 degree point.

i've been practicing to day. frustrations at images not being as i want them to be, countless cups of tea and thinking and trying.  then washing up.  oh yes, there's always a distractive washing process.

now, i'm tired and foggy. it might snow, the fog will clear.

am i making sense. does it matter, i can type and leave my thoughts.  my thoughts have been pushed this week. time soon to relax, to get away from it all.

i'll make a cup of tea and watch a film.

# 29 [20 November 2008]

when an action makes you think.

when i became a student, i naively wanted discussion and passion and interesting things to happen to me, as part of my student experience.  i didn't expect to become a hinderance to a business.  i didn't like hearing about chris' experience at the main campus.  it happened to her on the day i was on a cultural rersearch visit to loughborough.  

at loughborough i had the sort of experience that i had wanted to be my experience.  i am a victim of my own descision three years ago, as maybe i could have chosen another university to apply to, oh but i had applied to derby because of the course on offer.  little did i expect it to be so bad.  at least i know now that a whole new programme has been written and an acknowledgement of me being there at not a good time.

so where am i going with this?  well ,in our corportised public spheres, it is difficult to really know what a sphere is really like as the marketing department will construct the vision of a few to attract those vunerable enough to bite on the bait.  

so i continue to walk around and endeavour to talk to those around me.  in those conversations, the "oh in an ideal world" gets wheeled out.  it's funny how many people woould like an ideal world, with so many wanting it, why is there no attempt to achieve it.  given the current state of the wider public sphere, those attempting an ideal can't really muck it up any more than has already been achieved.

as for education, it's dull without inspiring conversation.

# 28 [17 November 2008]

a time to decide.

a time to decide wether to drink, eat or go out.  i will be going out later, just wether to make later, earlier.  if it was earlier, then the descision to be made wound be less involved.

i've been reading and thinking and listening to a cv lecture in semi darkness, which was nice.

oh, then, oh joy !  a letter for the previous owner of the house and it's not an early christmas card, but a letter demanding money.  i say, the cheek of some people.  i wound the woman up at the office of the lender, she was insistant that i shouldn't have opened the letter.  i kept saying i wanted to put them straight.  if there's a dispute we can all listen to the recording.  i wonder if they record the bits when you are on hold.  i so curse so much, waiting for an option i don't know exists yet i need to find one that fits.  wow, western world certainly has advanced to a higher plane.

yes an interesting day here.  

i never commented about the talk i went to last week.

yes.

there, done that.

going to leave the production of stuff alone for a while.  there's reading to do young man and a seminar to present and then write up, and i want to be write on for it.  oh yes it does get as corney as that.

so, a cup of tea or not ? ...

# 27 [13 November 2008]

a slightly bust time.

this week has been slightly busy, mid term assesment of research progress and tutorial for dissertation progress.

one is in happier state than the other.  somehow i've got the unhappier one with time spread before it, so i have two weeks to catch up, in my own mind that is.

staying happy and relaxed is prooving useful.  in previous years the unhappiness got in the way of progression.  obviously i would want everything to progress at the same rate.  reality is not like that. it's more of a see saw forward progression, actually see sawing with a walking model applies.  if someone says to me, "oh yeah, it;'s like that for everyone",  i still struggle with how that helps me.  i still have to waddle painfully forward at times.  how does knowing about some one else's pain help me ?

attending an artist talk outside the institution this evening.  i wonder what the audience will be like.  the work under discussion of of a questionable quality.

oh it's so busy.  must dash 4 tea.

# 26 [12 November 2008]

what's it like at the moment ?

it's a difficult question to answer.

listening to a scientist talking about testing light sources for office workers, he spoke of not discussing expectation. 

i experience expectation anxiety with regard to a dissertation tutorial tomorrow.  intellect and emotion clashing as to what tomorrow is about.  the honesty comes into the equation when considering what to say about progress so far. expectation coming into it with regard to my intellectual fantasy about where i would like to be compared to the actual  situation.

after relaxing about the actual, the situation becomes more dealable with and as such, possibly more achieveable as progress is being made from an actual position not a projected fantasy.

it's quite exciting really.

# 25 [12 November 2008]

when it all gets too much.

when it all gets too much, what does one do ?  does one have a particular dvd to watch, a cd, a favourite place in the park to watch the world go by.

when it all gets too much, does one turn to the person being a bit of a pratt and say "you're being a bit of a pratt, get your stuff sorted coz you're not making this any easier for me and i don't know why i should be so accomadating"

when it all gets too much, does one admit to being tired as actually yesterday was an assesment and there had been a weeks worth of planning and work to present the research so far completed and actually that amount of focus and editting of stuff is actually quite knackering.

and as such the presentation was enjoyable and constructive and the effort put in is worth it as there is much more to talk about and questions raised which allow for answers and along the way there is a convincing that this stuff that is made doesn't just materialise from an imagination, but is in response to something viewed/heard or acquired.

did you see imagine last night? could you tell those that spoke honestly about what they did, and those that had to make something up as what they did was just to have fun with bits of kit, nothing wrong with that of course, i simply ask for integrity and honesty, not much to ask for, or is it ?

# 24 [4 November 2008]

awareness of things.

is education an improver of such a notion.  does awareness simply come with age so education has less impact the older than an individual becomes.  or is it simply to do with going through the motions of doing stuff and moving to the next.  i remember politics being very boring when i was younger, coz i had stuff i was into.  i'm still into stuff, maybe i just have more time on my hands to take in what nonsense the political world has to offer. 

it has been suggested that the art world doesn't exist.  i know that a current dictionary no longer has an entry for the word art.

i've been out filming today for my studio practice.  i've deliberately taken a frame grab and used todays date to title it, as todays date is one of those dates, like any other date, that comes with a day.  some days are more of a day than others.  my current studio practice is considering energy, fossil fuel to be more definitive.  i've chosen timebased media to explore it.  i've recently been exposed to warhol and mcqueen, both having an influence on notions, thoughts, attempts. quigley and creed feed into the thoughts also coz they are just so wonderful to be around the work of.

i'm currently aware of a latent 4 o'clock, a thirst and a necessary walk into the library:-learning centre. titles differ, the basics stay the same.

# 23 [31 October 2008]

education-learning from the past.

i'm in reflective mood today.  the excitement of the email weeks ago about inclusion in the magazine being balanced by the reality check of seeing it in pdf form, hearing people's voices in my head who i used to work with taking the piss out of me for doing something i enjoy doing and interest being shown in me because of that.  it's an indication of how far i've come to this point and actually a reminder of the excitement and opportunity that lies 'out there'in the world, just by engaging in something.

when i began the course, i was really pissed off with the notion of having to learn from the past as all around me i saw people clearly not having learnt anything from the pain and success of those that went before.  in local archetecture i saw specialist knowledge being ignored in new buildings and then those staff having to make do with a building not quite fit for purpose.  a work round then happened and the on going experience was undermined from not having specialist knowledge informing descisions.

ok, i'm getting lost here.  

at another level, when a new complex for the arts opens in your town, you expect it to be able to show a film in whatever cinema it has. apparently the local cinema in my town has two cinemas that do not have the same projection equipment in them, thus i am having to wait to see hunger by steve mcqueen.  who was in the meeting when someone did or did not suggest having the same equipment in both cinemas, and who was in the planning meeting when a film was ordered and realised which media delivery system would be available to show the film.  i am constantly disappointed in culture that doesn't learn from itself.

in terms of enlightenment, it would appear the light is getting further away.  are we all happy with this ?